DameCuitsgft 

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Etiquette 



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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of 
Etiquette 



The "Dame Curtsey" Books 



1 DAME CURTSEY'S" BOOK OF NOVEL 
ENTERTAINMENTS FOR EVERY DAY 
IN THE YEAR. Illustrated with numerous 
photographs and line drawings. Fifth Edi- 
tion. Handy i2mo. Boards, $1.00; leather, 
$1.75 net. 

1 DAME CURTSEY'S" BOOK OF GUESS- 
ING CONTESTS. Third Edition. Boards, 
50 cents net. 

'DAME CURTSEY'S" BOOK OF ETI- 
QUETTE. Frontispiece. Boards, 50 cents 
net. 

'DAME CURTSEY'S" BOOK OF REC- 
IPES. Illustrated. Boards, $1.00 net. 



A. C. McCLURG & CO., Publishers 
CHICAGO 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of 
Etiquette 



By 

Ellye Howell Glover 

" Dame Curtsey" 
Author of " ' Dame Curtsey's ' Book of Guessing Contests ' 
M ' Dame Curtsey's ' Book of Novel Entertain- 
ments," etc. 




Chicago 

A. C. McClurg & Co. 

1909 



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Copyright 

A. C. McCLURG & CO. 

1909 

Published October 2, 1909 
Entered at Stationers' Hall, London, England 



>CLA!&5.*853 



€%t Haftesftie $ttsa 

R. R. DONNELLEY & SONS COMPANY 
CHICAGO 



Foreword 

THE very essence of true breeding and courtesy is 
clearly expressed by the following quotation: "Po- 
liteness is to do and say the kindest thing in the 
kindest way." 

What constitutes " good form " is a knowledge of a few 
universal rules which give one a passport into polite society; 
but every city or community has rules and customs which must 
be observed by the stranger within the gates. In this little 
volume,which is intended merely as a handbook for busy people 
in a busy world, the consensus of opinion of the best authori- 
ties obtainable has been taken as a standard. A practical 
application of the Golden Rule will often help to decide a 
puzzling question, and it might be well to remember that to be 
over punctilious is much better than to err upon the side of 
neglect and carelessness. E. H. G. 

Chicago, September I, ipop 



Contents 



PAGE 



I. Introductions 9 

II. Calls and Cards . . . . . .14 

III. Invitations and Replies 26 

IV. Breakfasts and Luncheons .... 42 
V Dinner Giving 47 

VI. Table Manners 51 

VII. Receptions, Teas, and Musicales . . .57 

VIII. Ball-room Customs 60 

IX. Engagement Announcements and Showers 64 

X. Wedding Cards . 66 

XI. Concerning Brides and Weddings . . 82 

XII. Wedding Anniversaries .... 92 

XIII. Christenings 95 

XIV. Children's Parties 97 

XV. Out-door Sports and Entertainments- . 102 

XVI. How a Bachelor Entertains, and Chape- 
rons 105 

XVII. Week-end Parties 108 

XVIII. Correspondence and Stationery . . .110 

XIX. Travelling Etiquette 114 

XX. Funerals and Mourning 117 

XXI. General Hints on Etiquette . . . .121 



Vll 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of 
Etiquette 



L— INTRODUCTIONS 

A GRACEFUL introduction is an accomplishment every 
one should acquire, and a short, simple form is best. 
A man is always presented to a woman in this manner : 
"Mrs. White, may I present Mr. Green, who is anxious to 
know you"; or "Mrs. Edwards, let me present Mr. Green"; 
or, "I want you to know my friend, Mr. Green, the author." 

It is always an acceptable clue to people who are being 
introduced if the hostess is thoughtful enough to mention some- 
thing that will start the conversation, as, "Mrs. Edwards has 
just returned from Europe, going over much of the ground you 
covered last year"; or, "Mr. Green is devoted to golf, so I 
know that you will have much in common." It is these 
personal touches that make a woman popular in society. 

When two women are to be introduced the elder of the two 
is always addressed, but when there is no marked inequality 
in age or distinction either name is mentioned first. 

The proper response to an introduction is, "I am happy 
to meet you ;" or, " I am very glad to meet you." If two women 
are seated and the hostess makes an introduction, both should 
rise, but if one is old, or an invalid, it is proper to remain 
seated. A woman need not rise when a man is presented, but 
a man always rises, and shakes hands when presented to 
another man. 

The question of the hand-clasp is a much-mooted one. A 
hostess always extends her hand. She who offers her hand is 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

sure of conveying a cordial welcome, and a woman who does 
it will not greatly offend the rules of formal society. At a 
large reception, at a dancing party, or on any occasion where 
there are many guests, a graceful inclination, a slight smile, 
and the name repeated, make a complete recognition of an 
introduction. 

Repeating names of persons to be introduced, slowly and 
distinctly, is an art which should be cultivated; if a name is 
not understood it is perfectly proper to say, " Pardon me, but 
I did not understand the name." Nothing makes a man or 
woman more popular than to be able to remember names and 
faces, and place the two correctly. Like everything else, this 
faculty may be cultivated, and should be. 

In introducing people on shipboard or in travelling it is 
best to find out whether it would be mutually agreeable, espe- 
cially if it is a man who is to be presented. A man is always 
held responsible for the persons whom he presents to a 
woman. 

A guest in the house is never at liberty to refuse an intro- 
duction to any one whom her hostess presents, even though it 
be a mortal enemy. Afterwards, however, recognition of the 
person is not necessary. 

In England, as well as in some parts of this country, the roof 
is considered a sufficient introduction to enable guests to speak 
and pass the ordinary courtesies of the day. As a rule, how- 
ever, a clever, tactful hostess tries to see that her guests meet 
one another in due and proper manner, as every one is apt 
to feel more at ease. 

When a stranger is to be presented to a number of guests, 
an easy way is to say, "Mrs. Edwards, I want you to know 
Mrs. Black, Miss Means, Miss Clara White, Major Brown, 
and Dr. Read." The one being presented simply smiles and 
murmurs each name as it is repeated. 

At a small dinner party all the guests must be introduced, 
and at a large one the ones who are to sit together must be 
presented, and as many others as the hostess can manage to 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

introduce, but introductions are not supposed to be made at 
the table unless some unusual circumstance warrants it. 

At dancing parties, the hostess, her daughters, and those 
who receive, all assist in making introductions. At informal 
dances, the young people freely introduce their friends, and all 
have a jolly good time. To show how our very young people 
are beginning to see the need of formal etiquette, a four-year- 
old daughter of a rather punctilious mother came into the 
drawing-room where a distinguished man in the world of letters 

was calling. " Speak to Mr. B , darling," said the fond 

mother. The child held back, and drawing her small self up 
as much as possible said, " I have n't been introduced." 

Introductions are not necessary in public unless they will 
relieve what might be an awkward situation. If two women 
meet at the entrance of a theatre, church, or store, and one has 
a friend unknown to the other with her and the stop is only for 
a moment, no introductions are required. If, on the other hand, 
the friend is some one to whom an introduction would be agree- 
able, and there are a few moments to spare, the strangers may 
be presented. 

In presenting her husband a woman says, "Mr. Brown," 
"Dr. Brown," or " Judge Brown," using his title if he has one. 
In addressing the Chief Executive of the United States say, 
"Mr. President." His wife would say, "The President." 

If a man is desirous of meeting a young woman, it is best to 
get a friend to take him to call, the friend, of course, ascertain- 
ing first whether it would be agreeable. After this proper 
introduction, he is at liberty to show any attentions he wishes 
to the young woman. At a dancing party when a man is 
introduced to a woman, it carries with it the obligation to ask 
her for a dance, which she grants if her time is not all filled. 

Unless absolutely sure that a letter of introduction would 
be agreeable to the person to whom it is sent, do not send it, 
for a letter of this kind carries with it the obligation to enter- 
tain or show some courtesy to the person who offers it. In 
England it signifies that you expect the bearer to have enter- 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

tainment at the home of the person addressed. At least a call 
must be made at once on the person presenting the letter. 
Americans who live abroad are often besieged by such letters 
written by thoughtless friends, who give them indiscriminately 
to every one they know who happens to be going abroad. 

It is not polite, or good form, to ask for a letter of introduc- 
tion. If a friend offers the courtesy it is a high token of regard, 
and in giving such a letter one must be sure that the receiver 
will be cordial and able to respond to' the obligations it entails. 
If it is possible, it is always well to warn the receiver of a letter 
of introduction as to the person who is to present it, especially 
if the person is in need of any particular service or attention. 
Such letters are usually brief or consist of a few words written 
on a visiting card. 

The specimen below will give an idea of how such letters 
should be written : 

My Dear Mrs. Green: 

My good friend, Miss Blank, is to be in your city with her 
mother for a month. I have long wanted you to know each other, 
and feel sure you will take pleasure in showing her any attention 
in your power, not only for my sake, but for her own. 
With affectionate good wishes, believe me, 

As ever, yours, 

Jane Gray. 

Men usually present such cards or letters in person by call- 
ing, and sending in the letter with one of their own personal 
cards by the servant who answers the bell. If the person is 
not at home the cards are left. 

For a woman it is best to mail the card, or note, with her 
own card giving her address, and then await results, which 
should be a call within forty-eight hours, or some message of 
recognition. The call is supposed to be followed by an offer of 
hospitality. A man must call, and entertain to the very best 
of his ability any one who presents a letter of introduction to 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

him. Having done this, he has satisfied all the requirements of 
etiquette and friendship. 

Persons who have been the recipients of such attentions 
should not fail to write a note of gratitude and appreciation 
to the person who made the presentation possible by giving 
the letter of introduction. Such obligations should never be 
forgotten. 



13 



II.— CALLS AND CARDS 

THE etiquette of calls and cards is a tangled web to many 
people, judging from the hundreds of letters received by 
the author in regard to what should be a very clear and 
simple subject. In this country, women do most of the call- 
ing, for our men are so engrossed that even the making of din- 
ner calls is left to wife and mother. 

Who should make the important first call? By common 
consent this is left to the older residents of a community, who 
must pay the newcomers the first call. People who are invalids, 
brides, and women of great distinction are all entitled to first 
calls, and persons who have accepted the hospitality of friends 
who have country places pay the first call when their hostess 
returns to town. 

When people who live in the same town but have never met 
meet at summer resorts, they may exchange cards and continue 
the acquaintance in town by mutual consent, the elder woman 
being called upon by the younger. 

A married woman receives the first call from an unmarried 
woman, and where both are matrons of the same age, or both 
are single, the call is made when opportunity or inclination 
provides a time. 

At the beginning of the winter social season, first calls are 
paid to the ones who first issue their at-home cards. First calls 
should be returned within. a week, or at the latest a fortnight, 
unless illness or death intervenes. After being asked to any 
entertainment at which refreshments were served, a call is 
obligatory whether the invitation was accepted or not. The 
rule says "A call of duty should be made within a week after 
the entertainment takes place," but this is often impossible, 
especially in a great city. 

A resident of a town or village may call as soon as new- 
comers are nicely settled; the call returned, a second call is 

14 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

made if the person finds it desirable to keep the new acquaint- 
ance on her calling list. When a person is not strong, and social 
obligations are many, a call made in person, once a year, serves 
to keep her visiting list intact. If not able to call in person, 
cards may be left or sent by post. 

It is, by some authorities, not considered necessary to make 
a call following a tea. Cards are left as the door is entered, or 
handed to the man, who announces the names to the hostess 
if it is a very large and formal function. In return, during 
the year, every one invited usually gives a tea, and thus the 
etiquette of one's visiting list is established from year to year. 
There is a distinction to be made between such teas and an 
afternoon reception given for a debutante, or a reception held 
for a guest of honor. Then the hostess expects her guests to 
call or leave cards. 

Formal calls are made, in most cities, between the hours 
of three and six. In the morning, one may call on affairs that 
are not social, such as to get the name of a dressmaker, on 
church or club matters, or to bid a friend good-bye. Formal 
calls should not last more than fifteen or twenty minutes. If a 
hostess has several callers at a time, as will often happen if 
she has special days for her friends to call, she must rise to 
greet each newcomer, and the others should make their adieus 
as soon as possible, that all may receive special attention from 
the hostess. 

Men are permitted to make evening calls, and on Sunday 
afternoon. Sometimes husband and wife make evening calls 
together, but it is usually by special appointment and where 
there is a degree of intimacy between the couples. 

After a dinner, dance, musicale or whatever the function 
may be to which a man has been invited, he is in duty bound 
to pay his "honor" call unless he has a wife, who may leave 
his cards with hers when she calls in the afternoon. His card 
is generally left when a wife pays a first visit; one card is left 
for the wife, one for the husband, but none are required for 
young ladies in the household. 

15 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

When invited to a tea, a reception, or when calling on an 
at-home day, the visiting card is left in the hall on a table. 
In ordinary calling, the card is handed to the maid, who re- 
ceives it on a silver tray. If the hostess or a member of the 
family opens the door, the card is unobtrusively left on a table 
as the visitor takes her leave. If the address is not engraved 
on the card, it should be written on it when calling upon a 
stranger. This want of thought often causes great trouble 
when there are several persons of the same name in a town, 
sometimes on the same street. 

When one has served as a bridal attendant, acted as pall- 
bearer, or in any way been of service, a call is obligatory within 
two weeks. Invitations to home weddings, wedding recep- 
tions, breakfasts, luncheons, dinners, dancing parties, or musi- 
cales, all require party calls. 

Before offering a person the hospitality of one's home a call 
should be paid. This is not always possible, and the hostess 
may enclose her card with the invitation which shows that a 
call should be made, and will be as soon as circumstances per- 
mit. So a person may accept the hospitality with ease and 
ask the hostess to her house if she gives any formal function. 
An elderly person, or an invalid, may send a note of explanation 
and beg her would-be guest to come and waive all ceremony, 
and this it is perfectly proper for her to do. 

Calls should always be made upon the at-home day if 
there is one engraved on the visiting card. It is a great breach 
of etiquette not to do so. If a person is ill, a mother, for instance, 
her daughter, sister, or an intimate friend may leave her card. 

A gentleman in calling upon a young woman should always 
ask for her mother or some older member of the family, and 
leave cards for them. It is perfectly proper for a woman to 
say to a man whom she wishes to have call, " I am at home on 
Monday night," or, " Mother and I are usually at home 
Tuesdays, and would be glad to see you." A man never calls 
unasked on a woman; he accompanies a friend, who first 
ascertains that it would be acceptable, unless, as just stated, 

16 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

the young woman opens the way for him, or some member of 
her family takes the initiative. 

When one is called suddenly out of town for an indefinite 
period then cards with "P. P. C." may be sent by post. This 
means "Pour prendre conge " (to take leave), and answers for a 
personal call. Those who receive them pay the first call when 
the one who sends them returns. 

The joint card of a husband and wife may be sent. 
Cards engraved "Mr. and Mrs. James H. Moore," are again 
in favor and are most useful for sending with wedding gifts, 
and in returning first calls, especially for brides. "It saves 
carrying a whole deck of cards," said one little bride when she 
returned from a long afternoon spent in making " first calls." 

After a death in the family, those on the calling list should 
call in person within four weeks, but it is not necessary for the 
bereaved ones to see any one unless they feel able. 

Calls upon sick persons should be brief. It is an art to 
make such a visit with only good results to the patient. Sending 
your card with a pot of flowers, some fruit, or a new book is a 
safe method of showing your interest in your friend's welfare. 

If an intimate friend has a guest, it is a duty, and let us hope 
a pleasure also, to call and do all in your power to render her 
stay a pleasant one. Then when you have a guest, your friend 
is in honor bound to show the same kindness to your guest. 

Calls are made upon mothers with new babies when the 
child is at least a month old. Cards announcing the birth of a 
first child, or where the birth will be a great surprise to friends, 
are sometimes sent out by adoring parents. All who receive 
them should send notes of congratulation and make a call, or 
send a card by post, as shown on following page. 

The style of cards differs very little from year to year. They 
should be small for a man, with the name in any kind of letter- 
ing that his fancy dictates; script is always in good form, but 
old English, block type, and shaded English lettering are 
equally in favor. A woman's card is somewhat larger than a 
man's card, and an unmarried woman's somewhat smaller than 

17 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 





dfavriciA' ^Mevvfav ^cvu/ow 




tsviw. AZtfid' esfflwfr. JfkztfrLefrisLcvu/ *Jcvwl(w 



a matron's card. It is customary to have a debutante's name, 
for the first year, engraved under that of her mother, or, "The 
Misses Brown," may be engraved under the mother's name. 
A young woman, even in her school days, has the prefix 
"Miss" before her name. An elder or only daughter simply 
has "Miss Brown" on her cards, but the other daughters of the 
house use their full names, thus : 




'Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



<Ai^!y!/iMia^ 



WAXW/ 



5CS ^Uet^cwri 



Mxb. Soffit Sam 
Mxbb Haw* 



514 $lraaant A tstuut 



19 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 








Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



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No titles are used on visiting cards save military, naval, 
or judicial titles and those of the clergy or physicians. In fact, 
it is not unusual for a Judge simply to use "Mr." on his 
card. On a man's business card the prefix "Mr." is left 
off. Sometimes a man has his card engraved with the name of 
his yacht and yacht club, which he uses when on a cruise. If 
he lives at a club, it is permissible to put the name on his card, 
otherwise a man's address seldom appears on his card. 

A married woman's card should bear the full name of her 
husband, and it is considered the best form to keep his name 
as long as she remains a widow. If a married son has his 
father's name, he has "Junior" on his card, as does his wife. 
If his father dies, he drops the "Junior," but his mother may 
continue to use the word "Senior" on her card if she wishes, 
or she may be simply "Mrs. Brown," and the son's wife be 
"Mrs. James Hamilton Brown." Doctors and dentists have 
the prefix "Dr." on their cards, and a clergyman has "Rev- 
erend." 

It is an unwritten law in military circles, that no title below 
the rank of captain shall be used upon a visiting card. A 
lieutenant's card should read, "Mr. Henry John Smith," with 
the words "Lieutenant of — Infantry, United States Army," 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

in the right-hand corner, but it is just as good form to put 
simply "United States Army," u without the particulars," as a 
clever young woman said. 

A man in calling on a special person sends in his card by 
the servant, saying, " Take this to Miss Black, and I would like 
to see all the other ladies if they are at home." This is the 
polite thing to do. All will understand that Miss Black 
is the one specially honored, but mother, sister, or whoever 
the others may be, will make their appearance and retire grace- 
fully to reappear in time to receive his adieus. 

When calling upon a friend who is a guest in a home where 
you do not know the people, you must ask for the mistress of 
the house as well as your friend, and leave a card for her. 

When calling at a hotel, or an apartment house, the bell is 
rung for a bell-boy, who takes the card and finds out whether 
the person is in, and brings back a message whether you will be 
seen in the reception room, or be taken to the private apart- 
ment. It is understood in polite society that if a servant says 
" Not at home," no offence should be taken. A careful woman, 
however, who has many demands upon her time, may arrange 
one day in the week on which to see those who come on busi- 
ness. Morning is the best time ; then the servant is instructed 
exactly what to say. 

When a person is in mourning, the visiting card bears a 
black border which remains as long as the user wears black, 
and is discontinued when colors are resumed. A very narrow 
band is used for a child or a distant relative, while a wider 
border is used for a husband or a parent. 

It is no longer good form to fold the ends of a card when a 
person is not at home and the visitor calls in person, to show 
that all members of the family were included in the visit. 
This mangling of good pasteboard was a most untidy custom, 
and was never countenanced long, although some persons in 
rural districts seem to think it a mark of great respect. 

If people exchange frequent calls and are at home when 
visits are made, it is not necessary to leave a card every time; 

22 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

such formality is a burden. A simple rule to remember is 
to leave a card of your own and two of your husband's cards 
when making a first call, and in return for an entertainment 
which included the men of the family. If you have a son old 
enough to go into society, his card is left with his father's and 
yours at the beginning of the season. This insures his being 
invited to any functions given by his mother's friends. 

Cards inscribed "To inquire, " "Kindly sympathy," or 
"Sirrcere condolence," are left when friends are ill or when 
death has visited a household. Within as short a time as 
possible, recognition of these thoughtful attentions is shown 
by the members of the family sending to every one who has 
left a card, sent a note or flowers, or rendered any service 
whatsoever, cards like those shown on pages 24 and 25. 

When an address is changed, it is the polite thing to ac- 
quaint one's friends of the fact by sending a card with the old 
address having a pencil line drawn through it, and the new 
address written distinctly above it. 

If a woman traveller is to be in a city where she has friends 
whom she would like to see, it is the proper thing to send her 
card with her temporary address on it, adding in writing, 
"Here until Thursday." A man, under the same circum- 
stances, calls upon his friends, leaving his card, if they are not 
in, with a message saying where he may be found and how long 
his stay will be. 

Wedding gifts are accompanied by the cards of the senders, 
and the joint card " Mr. and Mrs." is used when husband and 
wife are the donors. It is perfectly proper to write in pencil, 
"Best wishes and congratulations," or the cards may go with- 
out any inscription. 



23 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 




24 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 




25 



III.— INVITATIONS AND REPLIES 

THE engraving of invitation cards, with vacant lines to be 
filled by the hostess for whatever the hour or function 
may be, has greatly simplified the arduous task of writing 
notes. These blanks, or half-engraved invitations, are be- 
coming popular in this country in recent years, as they long 
have been on the Continent. 

For those who still prefer to write their own invitations the 
following is a correct model for a dinner: 



Mr. and Mrs. Henry Smith 

request the pleasure of 

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones's company at dinner 

on Tuesday, January the tenth, at half after seven o'clock 

108 St. James Place 



Dinner invitations should be sent ten days or two weeks in 
advance, to make sure that those invited will be able to accept 
the invitation, and thus avoid the awkward situation of a 
vacant place at the table. 

Upon receiving such an invitation, it should be answered at 
once in no uncertain way. There must be no parleying with 
a dinner invitation. If one accepts and should die before the 
date appointed, "send a substitute"; so said an old-time stickler 
for all that was good and proper. 

26 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

The reply to the invitation should be as follows: 

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones 

accept with pleasure the kind invitation of 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Smith for dinner 

on Tuesday, the tenth of January 

at half after seven 

An invitation received, in the first person, must be answered 
in the first person. Remember that a dinner is a most formal 
affair, and the highest compliment a hostess can show is to 
ask you to dinner. 

So many times the question is asked, "To whom shall I 
address a reply to a wedding invitation ? " The answer invari- 
ably is, "To the person or persons who invite you." If Mrs. 
Jack Reynolds sends the invitation, address the reply to her. 
If Mr. and Mrs. John Scott send the cards, reply to Mr. and 
Mrs. or simply to Mrs. Scott. Never send the reply to 
the bride, as is sometimes done by people who ought to know 
better. 

The letters "R. S. V. P." are not so much used as "Please 
respond," or "An early reply is requested." It seems a pity 
that people have to be reminded to be polite, but nevertheless 
it is true. Perhaps the younger generation may be brought 
up to be punctilious in all social affairs. 

To a card-party invitation, a dinner invitation, or a luncheon 
invitation the answers should be made within twenty-four hours 
after their reception in order that the hostess may ask some one 
else if she so desires. 

Invitations for the little dinner are written on note paper 
something like this, and should receive an immediate response 
in the same informal manner. 

27 



a 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



My Dear Mrs. Kent: 

It will give us much pleasure if you and Mr. Kent will dine 
with us on the evening of Wednesday, June second, at seven. 
There will be four other guests whom I am sure you will enjoy 
meeting. 

Hoping to hear that you have no other engagement, 

I am yours most cordially, 

jo8 Hampton Road, Imogene Stillman. 

May 28, iqoq. 

When a son returns from college or from a prolonged 
absence, and his parents wish to entertain in his honor, the 
following form is a good one, whether the invitations are en- 
graved or written : 

tyJlv. and' <J\L%6i ganri' v£>. <Ywkin& 

/leauedt' Xn& ,plea&u/io/ ,ai/ xiaux' ,carnna,rtw 

xmv Uxldaw .oAznincu ganucvui' trie/ Ivt&t' 

,af> .Qxarti' xyeXacK/ 

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28 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

Sometimes it is necessary to cancel a dinner or some other 
invitation, and it is done in this manner. If for a wedding, 
and time permits, the notices are engraved and sent by post. 
Of course it is a dire disaster that cancels invitations, and the 
guests must be given an explanation. 

For a dinner : 



Mr. and Mrs. Charles Kincaid 

regret exceedingly that Mr. King's sudden illness 

makes necessary the postponement of their 

dinner on the eighth of May 

For a wedding : 

Mr. and Mrs. James Peck 

regret to announce that on account of serious illness 

in the family, the marriage of their daughter 

Harriet and Mr. Walter Raymond will 

be indefinitely postponed* 

*Or give later date 



For a dancing party given by a grandmother or an aunt the 
following is a correct form. It is also one much used by a 
widow : 

29 



4 * Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

Sometimes it is more convenient to entertain in a public 
hall, instead of at home, especially where there is no room for 
dancing in the house, and there are a large number to be enter- 
tained. In that case the invitations are issued as follows: 

<yJl>u xind' Ulvrfr. garytv JoicLck/ 

A&cLWi&t/ \Xw MlzaMita/ jab .uau/i' Azamtocwvw 

xmv uue&daw AL&zniftcu UeJaxua/tw irio/ i\tief\£w ■- ll/viA/ 

jcfo Jfyall' jojuLoK' jeXwtyU xyauavk/ 

220 tJtafnpden/ tJiac& 

44 4 o)n&u.dan< zHxuuL 
3° 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

When a bachelor or a widower entertains, this form is 
proper : 

requests tffe yltnsxttt of 

(Space for name) 

romping 

0tt titt e\ttnxn$ of ^m$bnV) l\\t lto*nf:g~*ixiff nf IBa g 

at fjatf after etgfft o'darfc 

510 ^arrisum ^totnut 

A father, a widower, who wishes to entertain for his 
daughters, may issue invitations like this: 




V€b 




/xeawebt /foes foleaAtvve/ jcfl /u*h*w txmtfazww 

/on/ eJtte&clarts/ je^e^wna/, ^ecesmAew /fibc Aec&rw6 

/ds6 ActsW /aMeav &ia/i6 /*cw€w 

264 y £&€6>n< Severn** 

3i 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

For receptions in honor of noted people, word the invitation 
in this manner : 

Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Tracy 

request the pleasure of your company 

on 

Wednesday evening 

June the Twelfth 

from 
Eight to Eleven 

To meet 

Major and Mrs. James Talcott. 

This form has been proper of late : 

To meet Sir Thomas Lipton 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Wrenn 

request the pleasure of your company 

on Friday evening, February sixth 

from 

nine to twelve 

8 Bellevue Place 

Invitations to a debutante tea are usually fashioned on the 
model here given : 

Mrs. Jacob Sargent Rose 

Miss Rose 

At Home 

on Monday, January the second 

from four until six 

II Riverside Drive 

32 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

The words "at home" are sometimes omitted where a tea 
or reception is very informal. When a lady is to receive on 
several days in a month, the dates may be engraved on the 
cards which are sent out, as in the following, where sisters 
receive together: 



fctttflfiii and 


Janttanj 

nxmUmth 2fil9 WHsum Suernxv 



It is just as proper to write the dates on the card, also the 
character of the entertainment, as, " Music," " Bridge," " Gar- 
den Party" or " Readings." 

Two sets of invitations are usually sent for a dinner dance. 
An at home card, with "dancing at ten" or "eleven," as 
the case may be, is sent to those who are not asked to dinner; 
to the favored few who are bidden to the festive board an invi- 
tation card is filled in with the dinner hour and also the word 
"dancing." 

33 



'Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 




34 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

It is customary for social and country clubs to have invi- 
tation blanks which may be sent to friends of the members 
for special occasions. Of course the members vouch for the 
guests, and sometimes the list of those to be invited must be 
passed upon by the board of governors. 









Next to the wedding, graduating from school is the most 
important event in the life of the average young person, and 
it is well to have everything in good form. These suggestions 
are excellent and up to date. Each invitation should be 
accompanied by the personal card of the sender, and it is also 
customary to have the names of the class engraved upon a 
separate card and enclosed with the invitation. 

Cards may be used for afternoon or morning functions to 
which the invitations are informal. The day, date, and hour 
are added. It is convenient and proper to enclose these cards 
in envelopes, which fit exactly, and send by post. 

35 



4MV 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

&CL6* of 4907 

cJlLciAarue' \JtoeAw uvaiite/ 



Only calls of ceremony are made by leaving cards, as at 
a tea or reception. If one is invited to a series of receptions 
it is necessary to leave cards only once, although it is permis- 
sible to attend a second time. 

No cards need be left for a person who is a guest in a house 
for a short time, if the occasion of calling is a reception day. 
The guest is under no obligation to return calls unless the card 
of her hostess said, "To meet Miss French." 

36 




"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

Costume parties and masquerades have the invitations 
after this fashion : 

Mr. and Mrs. Reuben Hall 

request the pleasure of 

company on Wednesday evening, November -first 

at nine o'clock 

Bal Poudre 20 Green Street, West. 

This means that the guests are expected to present them- 
selves in fancy costumes with powdered hair. 

37 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 







r At4V& 



The following form is good : 

Mr. and Mrs. Peter Stuyvesant 

request your presence at 

a Seventeenth Century masquerade party 

on the evening of December the sixth 

at ten o'clock 

Cotillon iy Colgate Terrace Please Reply 

38 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

Answers to these invitations should be in the third person. 
This example will serve for all : 

Mr. and Mrs. Edward Monroe 

accept with pleasure 

Mr. and Mrs. Ren}roe y s 

kind invitation for Tuesday evening 

January third 

A regret reads : 

Mr. Edgar L. Barry regrets that absence from the city will 
prevent his accepting Mr. and Mrs. Martin's cordial invitation 
to attend the " Bal Poudre" on Monday night, January second. 

A luncheon or breakfast invitation may be formal or infor- 
mal. For the former an engraved blank may be filled in, or 
a regular invitation engraved as follows: 

Mrs. Theodore Cuyler . 
requests the pleasure of 

company at luncheon (or breakfast) 
on Tuesday (at one, if luncheon, at twelve, if a breakfast) 

5 Merrimac Square 
Under ordinary circumstances, a hostess would simply 
take her visiting card and write "Luncheon at half after one, 
March second," or, "Breakfast at half after eleven, Mav 
tenth." 

Graceful little notes like the following are preferred by 
many hostesses: 
Dear Mrs. Grant : 

It will give me great pleasure to have you lunch with me on 
Tuesday next, at one o'clock, to meet my friend, Miss King, 
who is here from Buffalo for a brief visit. Hoping to hear that 
you will be with us, Sincerely yours, 

Mary Jane Kendall. 

39 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

The response to the above should be something like this : 

My dear Mrs. Kendall: 

It is lovely of you to think of me, and I am delighted that 
no previous engagement will prevent my accepting your kind 
invitation. I shall be so glad to meet your friend of whom I 
have often heard you speak. Until Tuesday, au revoir. 

Sincerely yours, 

Grace More Thompson. 

Should invitations be sent to persons who are in mourning? 
is a question frequently asked. By all means. Of course they 
will not accept, but no one likes to be forgotten. Common 
sense tells that no one in deep mourning will go to a dinner or 
dancing party, but they often attend weddings at a church or 
after even a short time they may attend a home wedding, not 
remaining for the reception, if there is one. 

In addressing any invitation it is well to remember that 
each son must receive a separate card and not have the " Messrs. 
Jones" on the envelope. However, it is proper to address an 
envelope to the " Misses Gray." 

The telephone is used for inviting friends to impromptu 
affairs. In a large city it is practically a necessity, and has 
become a factor in social functions. It is well to follow such 
an invitation with a note, when time permits, as a reminder 
of the exact day and hour. 

At charity and assembly balls or any public dance, the 
word "ball" is permissible, but it is never used in connection 
with a private or home affair. 

Army or navy officers, or members of a club who give a 
ball, always "request the pleasure (or honor) of your presence," 
and never use the term "at home." It is never proper for a 
man, entertaining alone at his apartments or his studio, to 
send out cards with "at home" on them. He also "requests 
the pleasure of your presence." 

It is never courteous to send regrets by writing the word on 
a visiting card, or to accept in that manner, even if the invita- 

40 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

tion was received in that form. Etiquette demands a note 
for a musicale — and all other occasions. 

If one has a guest and an invitation is received, it is proper 
to acquaint the hostess with the fact and ask for an invitation. 
This must be done with tact, and usually makes no difference 
if the affair is a reception, dancing party, or musicale. It is a 
difficult thing, however, to ask for a dinner or luncheon invita- 
tion, and in such a case it is best to decline altogether. 

When several members of a family are invited to a reception 
and only one can attend, she may take the cards of the others 
and leave them on the tray, thus obviating the necessity of 
posting cards. 

Invitations for musicales are issued in the same way as for 
dancing parties, only substitute the words "music at ten" for 
"dancing," or the invitation blanks may be filled in using the 
word "Musicale." If "Private Theatricals" or "Charades" 
are to furnish the entertainment, those words are used as has 
been already mentioned. 



41 



IV —BREAKFASTS AND LUNCHEONS 

A BREAKFAST may be a simple, "homey" affair or a 
ceremonious occasion, as circumstances demand. The 
hour most approved is exactly at twelve, never later 
than twelve-thirty. Entertaining at Sunday morning break- 
fast, especially at country houses, is quite the proper thing. 
Then the meal consists of fruit, a cereal, or choice of two 
cereals, in this day of multitudinous breakfast foods, when 
nearly every person has some especial preparation, either 
cooked or uncooked, to which he pins his faith as being the 
only commodity with which to start the day aright. A chop, 
steak, or fish-balls, with potatoes, may follow, with hot muffins, 
biscuits, or rolls. Coffee is poured at the table by the hostess, 
or, better still, made on the table in one of the many good 
percolators. The last course should be waffles or hot cakes. 
In New England, doughnuts are always found on the Sunday 
morning table. 

Many a hostess features her breakfast by inviting her guests 
to a " Southern," " New England," or " French " repast. This 
gives a touch of novelty to the occasion, quite delightful. The 
hour for Sunday breakfast is usually at nine or nine-thirty. 
These hours do not interfere with early or late church services. 

Men may be asked to a formal breakfast, whereas they are 
very seldom asked to a luncheon, that function being reserved 
almost exclusively for women. For small breakfast parties, 
the guests are seated at one large table. If there are twenty or 
more, small tables are used with four or six persons at a table. 
The hostess's skill is evidenced in the way she manages to seat 
congenial people together. Artificial light is often dispensed 
with unless it is winter time, or the day is dark and rainy. The 
fruit is always in readiness on the table when the guests are 
summoned, also a finger-bowl half filled with luke-warm water 

42 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

in which there is a tiny fern spray, or a blossom or two. Some- 
times a few rose petals are put in the bowl to carry out the 
color scheme used. A breakfast differs from a luncheon in 
that soup is never served, and there are generally eggs prepared 
in some way. 

The following menu may be suggestive : 

Fruit, whatever is in season, and can be obtained in the 
most perfect condition. Lobster in cutlets, or croquettes, to 
be followed by sweetbreads creamed in pastry shells, with or 
without mushrooms, or an omelet, or some fish. Broiled 
chicken, lamb chops, or grilled birds may come next, with 
green peas or potatoes in some form. A green salad, served 
with toasted crackers, and a creamy cheese, Brie, Neufchatel, 
Camembert, may follow, and a frozen dessert, or individual 
tarts heaped with whipped cream, or ice-cream, coffee, tea, or 
chocolate, may complete the menu. 

Radishes, olives, and salted nuts are passed at breakfasts, 
and there should be at least one hot bread if not a variety. 
Toast fingers — made and served instantly — Parker House 
rolls, tiny biscuit, and hot muffins are all acceptable. 

The costumes for women, at breakfast parties of a formal 
character, are the very best afternoon frocks they possess, high- 
necked, and with long or elbow sleeves. Elaborate hats are 
worn and not removed. Men appear in frock coats, fancy waist- 
coats, or those which match the coat, gray trousers, patent- 
leather shoes, high hats, broadly folded ties, and gray gloves. 

For an early breakfast, men wear business suits, with white 
or colored linen, four-in-hand ties, derby hats, tan gloves, and 
dull black shoes. In summer, men attend luncheons and 
breakfasts in negligee attire, white duck or light-striped flannel 
trousers and double-breasted blue or striped flannel coats, 
straw hats or soft felts, and the women wear dainty creations 
of organdie or some thin material. Hats are of the lingerie 
type, or discarded altogether. The custom of wearing flow- 
ers or bows in the hair is always becoming and is revived 
nearly every summer. 

43 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

At a luncheon, it is a crime to be late, whether the function 
be formal, or simply " enfamille" A sudden shower, change 
of mind, or something more alluring should not prevent a 
guest from being on hand at least five minutes before the 
appointed hour. The greatest strain, for both hostess and 
cook, comes from unpunctuality. It is a sin, against which 
every mother should train her child, for the habit of being on 
time may be just as easily formed as the habit of tardiness. 

A most charming woman has apparently no idea of the 
value of time, but will arrive most complacently during the 
salad course of a luncheon, or when dinner is half over, not 
in the least embarrassed, and with the mere explanation, " Why, 
I had no idea it was so late!" At last, her friends all agree 
to make her invitation just one hour earlier than that of 
any one else. Except for this one fault, she is such an addi- 
tion to every occasion that every one loves her, and wants 
her. A watch makes no difference, for it is never wound or 
looked at. This incident is merely given to show how it is 
the little things that make for peace in society, as well as in 
the home. 

At a luncheon, wraps and veils are removed in the dressing- 
room, also gloves, which are resumed in the drawing-room if 
cards are not to follow the repast. 

At an informal luncheon or breakfast of not more than 
six guests, a hostess may display her culinary skill by concocting 
some special dish at the table, using the chafing dish; but she 
must be sure of accomplishing the feat with alertness and suc- 
cess, and be able to keep up a bright, vivacious line of conver- 
sation while she is working. 

At a very formal breakfast, at which men are present, after 
the dessert, the ladies may go into the drawing-room for coffee 
and liqueurs, while the men may linger for not more than a 
half -hour over the coffee and cigars. This applies particularly 
to winter affairs; in summer it is customary to serve coffee 
and cigars on the piazza, and both men and women enjoy the 
finale together in a most leisurely manner. 

44 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

A simple menu for a summer luncheon consists of the fol- 
lowing : Canap£ or chilled fruit ; hot bouillon or clam-broth 
with whipped cream ; broiled or fried chicken with creamed 
potatoes, green peas, or asparagus; a chilled tomato scooped 
out, filled with minced meat and green peppers, and topped 
with mayonnaise; moulds of gelatin or some frozen sweet; 
bon-bons, salted nuts, olives, celery sticks. 

On warm summer days, artificial lights should not be used 
unless at some very formal affair where the house is lighted 
throughout artificially. This is happily a custom rapidly 
disappearing, as are many things which are not natural or 
necessary. 

Where there is but one maid, it is perfectly proper for the 
hostess to serve one or more dishes. 

The relish or appetizer, whatever it may be, should be on 
the table before the guests are seated at the table. This first 
course disposed of, the maid brings the cup of bouillon and 
places it on its saucer, on the service plate, from which the 
canape or chilled fruit has been removed. When the soup is 
finished, the hostess may serve the chops, chicken, or patties 
from a platter placed in front of her, on hot plates, the maid 
placing them in front of the guest, and removing the serving 
plate as she does so. She may also serve the green peas, or 
the maid may pass them. In this way, she may serve the 
salad and dessert, and finally pour the coffee, which is brought 
to her with the cups on a large tray. 

At all functions, wine may be served at the discretion of 
the hostess. Sherry and claret are sufficient at an elaborate 
luncheon, though sauterne may be preferred and is usually 
acceptable to every one. Unless cards are the entertainment, 
it is quite the proper thing to have a musicale or reading after 
the luncheon or breakfast. 

The American public have become so accustomed to be 
entertained every waking moment, that something vitally 
new or different is actually demanded. Pity, but 'tis true. 
On the Continent, conditions have not yet reached this point, 

45 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

and the old-fashioned, nay, almost lost, art of conversation is 
still a requisite there, in polite society. People who are bright, 
witty, and clever in conversation or gifted in repartee, are 
always desirable guests, and to be a good dinner guest is an 
accomplishment greatly to be desired. 

A girl need not be pretty to be attractive. Would that 
every mother or guardian would start from babyhood to instruct 
every child in the true art of being courteous, polite, and 
thoughtful, for reform along these lines is the need of the twen- 
tieth century household. 

As the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess gives her 
hand in welcome and makes all the necessary presentations, 
before going into the dining-room. In large cities, it is an 
unwritten law to allow at least twenty minutes for a delinquent 
guest, owing to great distances, and consequent delays. No 
one should take advantage ot this unless it is a case of absolute 
impossibility to arrive in time. It is disconcerting to both 
hostess and guest to have the latter arrive in a breathless condi- 
tion. 

In seating guests at a luncheon or breakfast party where 
there are no men, the hostess leads the way to the dining-room 
after the servant has announced that "Luncheon is served." 
The guests find their own places by the cards at the plates, or 
if it is very informal and the guests few, the hostess simply 
indicates where she desires each one to be seated. Of course, 
the one whom she wishes to honor is placed on her right. It is 
her bounden duty to see that the conversation never lags, and 
to make no move to leave the table until every one has finished. 
Coffee is served at the table, but liqueurs are brought into the 
drawing-room. 

When men are included in the party, the guest of honor is 
taken in by the host, and the other couples follow as indicated 
by the hostess, who goes in last with the man whom she honors 
by placing him on her right, usually some lion for whom the 
affair is given. 

46 



V.— DINNER GIVING 

THE hour for a dinner of formal character is usually seven, 
or half after, and in some instances eight o'clock. Of 
late the tendency has been to shorten even elaborate din- 
ners to an hour and a half at the longest. For eighteen guests 
three servants are required ; two will manage for twelve people, 
and a capable maid or butler will handle six or eight covers 
easily, if competent; and if one gives dinners the servants must 
be able to relieve the hostess of all anxiety. 

A maid should appear in black with white apron, cuffs, 
collar, and cap or white lawn hair-bow. A butler wears the 
house livery without gloves. The announcement " Dinner is 
served," is made by the servant who appears at the drawing- 
room door, looking directly at the hostess. 

A tablecloth is always used for dinner, with candles for 
light. Four, disposed around the floral centrepiece, will give 
abundant light for six or eight covers. They should be lighted 
at least three minutes before dinner is announced. Fifteen 
minutes' grace is the time allotted for the late guest at a dinner 
party; after that the servant is instructed to announce that 
dinner is served. 

Relatives, husbands and wives, are not seated side by side 
if it can possibly be avoided. Seating guests just right is a 
problem a hostess must work out very carefully if her dinner 
is to be a success. 

At a formal affair, it is customary to write the name of the 
lady on a card and place it in an envelope addressed to the man 
who is to take her in to dinner. These envelopes the men 
find in the dressing-room. On entering the drawing-room a 
thoughtful hostess will see that a man is immediately presented 
to his dinner partner, or, if he already knows her, after speak- 
ing to the host and hostess he will endeavor to find her and 

47 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

make himself especially attentive so that the ice is broken 
before going into the dining-room. 

The host leads the way with the woman who is to sit at his 
right; the hostess comes last with the husband of the woman 
who entered with the host, or, if she be unmarried, with the 
man whom she wishes to honor. It is best to have the number 
of men and women equally divided, but this is not always 
practical or possible. Place-cards are generally used of a 
simple design ; those having the initials of the hostess are 
always in good form. 

If a guest should arrive after the meal is in progress, the 
hostess need not rise unless it is a woman, but the host rises, 
extends his hand, and does all he can to cover the break. If 
the dinner has gone beyond the second course, the delinquent 
takes just what comes next, and no attempt is made to serve 
what has already been served. This is the only way to keep 
things going without confusion to the cook and the other guests. 

In case of an accident of any kind, let it be the rule to pass 
it over without comment or exclamation. If the guest is 
unfortunate, or the servant, the less said the better. It is a 
master stroke to be able immediately to turn the conversation 
by a clever story or an anecdote well told. Here is an oppor- 
tunity to show that one is master of himself though the heavens 
fall. 

Coffee may be served en demi-tasse at the table, or in the 
drawing-room. The men may rise and let the women pass 
out while they linger a half -hour over their cigars, coffee, and 
liqueurs ; but this is hardly an established custom on this side of 
the water, although it is quite customary for all to take coffee, 
which is brought into the drawing-room on a large tray by 
the servant, and served by the hostess with her very pret- 
tiest service. 

A plea must be made for the simple "little dinner," to 
which only four or six guests are bidden. This is the very 
essence of hospitality, and it is an achievement of which every 
woman may be proud to be famous for her small dinner parties. 

48 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

To gather congenial souls around the board is to bring out 
the very best that is in one. "Coffee" and "repartee" are 
synonymous terms; "over the walnuts and wine/' a man 
or a woman is bound to shine, if ever. The art of story- 
telling may be acquired and is a worthy accomplishment which 
comes into play and saves the day for hostess and guest. One 
of the most famous dinner guests in this country makes no 
secret of keeping a reference book of stories and anecdotes, 
which he carefully studies while donning his dinner clothes, 
choosing what will be most appropriate for that particular 
occasion. 

Out of compliment to one's hostess and her other guests, it 
is only polite to partake, even if sparingly, of every course as 
it is offered. A dinner-party is no place to display any peculi- 
arities in eating, or to call forth a medical discussion as to what 
one may or may not eat. There have been occasions where 
guests have refused this or that, and the hostess, in her anxiety 
to give them something that would be acceptable, has put to 
confusion not only the servants, but the other guests, by delaying 
the progress of the dinner while toast was made for the poor 
creatures who "couldn't eat rolls," or the deluded mortals 
who "must have hot water to drink." 

In leaving the table, the hostess catches the eye of the guest 
seated at the right of the host, smiles understanding^, and 
rises from the table. It is always a woman's prerogative to 
make the move to go from any social function. 

In saying good-bye at a dinner-party, it is the bounden duty 
of each individual guest to seek the hostess as well as the host, 
and say what an enjoyable evening it has been. " I am greatly 
indebted to you, Mrs. Holmes, for a most charming evening," is 
a phrase which one is sure will be the proper thing to say. It 
is also polite to say a special good-bye to the one who has 
been a dinner partner. A man would say, "Good-night, Miss 
Newton, it has been a great pleasure to meet you," and she will 
say, "Thank you; good-night, Mr. Jones." 

A man should wear full evening-dress for a dinner. The 

49 



'Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



Tuxedo or short dinner-coat, which is always worn with a black 
tie, is permissible for stag affairs and simple home dinners. 
It was originally intended to be worn only when women were 
not to be present. It has proven so comfortable and acceptable 
to most men that it is worn on nearly every occasion that is 
not a wedding. This is especially true in the Western cities. 
It is not correct, but, like many other things, it is coun- 
tenanced. As one hostess said, it was bad enough to have to 
tell your guests to reply to your invitation without telling them 
the proper thing to wear. Every man may safely follow this 
rule : " When in doubt, and the hour is after six, wear a full- 
dress suit with all the appurtenances thereof, and you will be 
correct." 

For a woman, a formal dinner-party calls for a low-necked 
and short-sleeved gown, or one with gauze yoke and sleeves, a 
carefully dressed coiffure, and all the jewels she possesses, pro- 
vided they harmonize with her gown. For a small dinner, any 
dainty, becoming frock may r be worn, and the hair must be 
prettily dressed. At formal dinners, gloves are worn, and 
removed at the table, being laid in the lap under the napkin. 
They may be resumed, or not, in the drawing-room. 

Below is a place-card ornamented with the initials of the 
hostess: 




VI.— TABLE MANNERS 

THERE is but one way to judge people by a casual glance, 
and that is by their knowledge of etiquette, or, as one of 
more gifted tongue than the writer puts it, " by the several 
politenesses of the time." The little niceties of social usage 
should not be things apart from the every-day life, but be so 
moulded into the very existence that they are not realized, but 
are as natural as the air breathed without effort. 

There should be no such thing as "company manners." 
From earliest childhood one should be taught to sit erect at 
table ; not to reach forward to catch a mouthful of food ; not to 
eat fast; to have the seat at just the right distance from the 
table ; not to put one's elbows on the table during the progress 
of a meal ; not to toy with napkin-ring, fork, or spoon, but keep 
the hands quietly in the lap when not occupied in eating. 

A man should always wait until his hostess is seated, 
whether that individual is his mother, sister, wife, or some 
grand dame of fashion. One of the greatest sins of the age is 
the lack of deference paid by the average man to the women 
of his household. The sons of the family follow closely in the 
footsteps of the father, and the first thing criticised by visitors 
from the Continent is the lack of breeding in our young Amer- 
icans, girls as well as boys. 

It seems dreadful to have to tell a lad of seventeen that he 
must rise and offer a seat to an elderly woman who stands in a 
crowded car, that he must see that his mother is seated before 
he places himself in the most comfortable chair in the room 
and buries his head in a book, — but this is a digression from 
table manners. Must it be said that napkins are laid across 
the lap and never tucked under the chin, bib fashion ? If one 
has to wear a bib, he should not accept invitations to dine 
away from home. 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

When a meal is finished in a cafe or hotel, the napkin is 
never folded but laid as it was used on the table beside the plate. 
The same rule applies when at a repast in the home of a friend, 
if it is for one occasion only. If one is a guest in the house, a 
clean napkin should not be expected at every meal in the 
average household, so it may be carefully folded and laid beside 
the plate. It is the rule in most families to have a fresh napkin 
at dinner, which is the most ceremonious meal of the day, and 
partaken of with the most leisure. In the same category, let 
it here be chronicled that toothpicks are never passed at the 
table, and never used in public. One might just as well take 
out false teeth and cleanse them, or manicure one's fingers; 
yet these questions are asked so often that an emphatic denial 
seems necessary here. 

"How shall the knife and fork be held?" The knife is 
invariably held in the right hand, and its exclusive use is cut- 
ting, never to convey food to the mouth. The fork is used with 
the right hand in eating, but of course held in the left hand when 
cutting with the knife. Careless training is in evidence when 
a person mashes food with a fork, or jams a fork full with all 
sorts of food picked up at random from the plate. 

A knife and fork should never be held in the hands when 
the plate is being replenished. They must be laid side by side, 
their entire length on the plate, and, when one has finished, they 
are placed on the plate, knife blade in, and fork tines up. 

Nearly every article of food is eaten with a fork : meats, 
fish, and vegetables. 

AH "made" dishes, salads, ices, and creams, are provided 
with special spoon-shaped forks, but if a hostess does not 
possess them, she need not hesitate to use spoons. They say 
it is a test of good manners to watch how a person eats lettuce, 
cress, or chicory, which should never be cut with a knife. The 
leaves are folded up neatly with the fork, and so conveyed to 
the mouth. 

An unfailing rule must be remembered by those who wish 
to have at least the semblance of good table manners, and that 

52 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

is, never permit a spoon to remain in the tea, coffee, or bouillon 
cup while drinking from it, or after the beverage has been 
stirred once or twice. The spoon must rest in the saucer. The 
last mouthful in a bouillon cup may be drank with perfect 
propriety. It is a relic of nursery days to blow a spoonful of 
soup to cool it. Those who are very correct say that an out- 
ward motion should be used in taking soup, and it must always 
be eaten from the side of the spoon. This also applies to tast- 
ing tea, coffee, or chocolate. 

Grape fruit, oranges when cut in halves and put on a plate, 
hot and cold puddings, custards, gelatins, and soft-boiled eggs, 
are all eaten w r ith spoons. 

To eat slowly and deliberately is not only an evidence of 
good manners, but shows a knowledge of hygiene. Only the 
unlettered bolt their food, scrape the dish for the last mouthful, 
and make a noise when eating. Children must be taught 
early to eat quietly, for habits formed in younger days stand 
by one often until the end of life. Apparently well-bred per- 
sons often seem unaware of the careless ways they have in eat- 
ing. An attempt has been made to explain this by saying that 
the average man eats breakfast alone in order to catch an early 
train, eats a hurried luncheon generally alone, or with another 
man who is equally hurried and careless, and so habits are 
formed, hard to shake off in the bosom of one's family, where 
all should be as perfect as possible for the sake of one's own 
self-respect. 

This last preachment makes me think of a charming woman 
who lost her husband, her money, and home, and was forced to 
support herself and two growing lads by working all day. They 
lived in small quarters, and the meals had to be served in the 
kitchen. So afraid was this little mother, used to all that 
wealth and position could give her, that her boys would grow 
up unaccustomed to the amenities of life, that she never 
omitted the finger bowls, and served the meals just as daintily 
as she knew how, no matter how tired she was. 

Finger bowls are always necessary with a fruit course ; the 

53 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

bowl is half -filled with water and placed upon a doily-covered 
plate. Unless a second plate is provided, the doily is removed 
with the bowl and placed to one side, and the fruit put on the 
plate.- The fingers are dipped daintily one hand at a time in 
the bowl and wiped on the napkin. Finger bowls for some 
years were not in evidence with desserts, but are again in favor. 
A plate with a bowl resting on a doily is placed before each 
person and often these plates are of glass to match the bowls. 

Salt should never be taken from the salt dish with the blade 
of a knife and put on the table cloth, but on the side of the 
plate. 

The worst of all errors is to spit out a prune, cherry, or 
peach pit onto the plate ; but it has been done, or this awful 
warning would not have to be chronicled. A delightful old 
gentleman said the reason he never married was that he 
watched the young woman to whom he had made up his mind 
to propose, eat a peach, and she spit the pit out. That 
finished his ambitions in that direction, and he said he 
didn't care to have any more illusions vanquished in this man- 
ner, so gave up all hopes of the fair sex for fear he should again 
be disappointed. This may be rather far-fetched, but the 
moral is there nevertheless, for all who will apply it. 

The youthful candidate for good manners should be taught 
never to hold a morsel of food on the fork while conversing, 
but once having it there, to eat it and not dilly-dally. Also 
never try to get the last mouthful of anything if it proves illu- 
sive ; you ? 11 not starve and there is probably enough for a 
second helping. As pushers, when children have outgrown 
the implements of silver provided for this purpose, bits of bread 
may be used, the fingers, NEVER, spelled in capital letters. 

A morsel that proves too hot, or spoiled, may be quietly 
removed with the napkin and consigned to the side of the plate 
without comment. 

This reminds me of the young man from the far West w T ho 
had to go to New York on business, and while there was enter- 
tained by a millionaire mine owner who liked the chap for his 

54 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

sterling qualities. He tasted olives for the first time, his face 
colored as he removed the strange thing from his mouth to his 
plate, with a motion of momentary disgust. His host noticed 
but said nothing, and the rest of the dinner was finished without 
any further discomfort to the stranger guest who was clever 
enough to watch and see what the others did with the array 
of forks and knives, but in the privacy of his host's den after 
dinner the chap said with the utmost earnestness: "That was 

a bully spread, Mr. B , but did you know those plums 

were spoiled ?" 

Bread and butter plates are universally used at luncheons, 
breakfasts, and suppers, also at informal family dinners, with 
a small silver butter spreader. On this plate all breads, muf- 
fins, and rolls must be laid. At a formal dinner the roll in the 
napkin is taken out and laid on the cloth, at the right of the 
plate. 

Bread is never bitten off in mouthfuls from a large piece, 
but broken off in small pieces, which are buttered and eaten. 

Crackers are eaten from the fingers, also celery, olives, 
radishes, salted nuts, crystallized fruits, bon-bons, corn on the 
cob, "and most raw fruits. Peaches are quartered,, then peeled, 
and cut into bits, which are eaten from the fingers as are apples 
and pears. Cherries, small plums, and California grapes are 
taken up one by one and eaten, the seeds or pits are removed 
from the mouth with the fingers and placed on the plate in as 
unobtrusive a manner as possible. Cheese may be cut in 
small pieces, placed on morsels of bread or crackers, and lifted 
with the fingers to the mouth. 

It is most inelegant to take a chicken or chop bone in the 
fingers. Cut the meat as cleanly as possible from the bone and 
forgo the pleasure of the rest. 

Asparagus should not be eaten with the fingers; cut off all 
the tender portion with a fork. 

At formal dinners, or luncheon, a guest is never asked to 
have a second portion and should never ask for it, — but all 
is different at a dinner " en jamille "; the hostess considers a 

55 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

second helping complimentary. When a host carves, he may 
request a guest to have his plate replenished. A second, even 
a third glass of water may be asked for, even at an elaborate 
spread, but of course, always of the servant. At a simple 
family dinner, where the hostess may have no maid or one only, 
a guest may be asked to serve or pass certain dishes, which 
makes him feel at ease and at home. Never, when a meal is 
finished, push back the last plate used and brush the crumbs 
up into little heaps but leave everything exactly in place with 
the napkin beside the plate ; if called unexpectedly from the 
table or a sudden illness seizes one, the request " Please excuse 
me," must always be made of the hostess. 



& 



VII.- RECEPTIONS, TEAS, AND 
MUSICALES 

FOR a large formal function which society pleases to call 
a reception, cards are sent out ten days or two weeks in 
advance. If for an evening affair, the host's name ap- 
pears and he receives with his wife. The guests arrive between 
the hours stated, and a careful calculator says that twenty 
minutes will suffice to "do" a reception properly, including 
greeting the hostess and partaking of refreshments. There 
must be dressing-rooms with attendants for both men and 
women. Wraps are removed by the women, but hats and 
gloves are retained. Cards are left on a tray in the hall, unless 
they are handed to the butler as he announces the names, and 
he afterwards deposits them on the tray. 

At large receptions, one is not expected to take leave of the 
hostess ; at small affairs it is proper to do so if she is not busily 
engaged in receiving. 

Full evening toilet is required for men at receptions, with 
white gloves; daytime receptions call for the regulation frock 
coat, high hat, etc. The right hand is bared, and glove car- 
ried, when one greets the hostess. 

For afternoon teas, the hour is usually from 3 to 6, or 
4 to 7. At these entertainments, the guests enter unan- 
nounced and meet the hostess, who moves from her position at 
the door and chats with her guests, keeping a watchful eye to 
greet promptly each one as she enters the room. Several 
intimate friends take turns at the tea table, and there is much 
sociability. It is an admirable way to entertain for a visiting 
guest. At receptions of this nature, it is not necessary to serve 
anything more elaborate than two kinds of sandwiches, tea, 
chocolate, or coffee, with bon-bons, and perhaps an ice. At 

57 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

evening receptions, a salad is required, and a frozen sweet, 
besides frappe or punch in the hall. 

Receptions and teas are the most approved methods of 
introducing a debutante into society. Often a bevy of young 
"buds " are asked to assist, and an equal number of men are 
asked to dinner after the reception, sometimes winding up with 
a dance to which guests are invited who do not come to dinner. 
This dance is purely an affair for young people with whom the 
debutante will mingle during the season. A carriage may be 
sent, also a bouquet to each assistant belle, if the hostess wishes 
to do so, that is, if finances permit. 

When a new house is ready for occupancy, it is quite the 
thing to issue cards to all on one's visiting list and the affair 
assumes the nature of a house-warming. The new abode is 
open for inspection from garret to cellar with every room bril- 
liantly lighted. There is music and any entertainment the 
hostess may arrange, with refreshments. 

In many homes, it is customary to serve tea each day at 
five o'clock, and when this is known one's friends form the 
habit, both men and women, of dropping in for the " cup that 
cheers." This is a simple way of extending hospitality and 
one which every woman should be capable of showing. The 
maid brings a low table close to the hostess, spreads it with a 
dainty cloth, and sets the perfectly appointed tray and tea 
service before her. Plenty of hot water should be provided as 
" weak tea " is best, more than one cup being permissible. 
Thin bread and butter sandwiches, with some small cakes or 
bon-bons, are all that is required. No napkins are necessary, 
or plates other than the saucers to the cups. 

A caller arriving at this time in the afternoon should always 
be offered a cup of tea. This habit so firmly established in 
England deserves to be equally popular here, as it is certainly 
a delightfully cosy custom. 

For a musicale, a number of guests may be invited. The 
rooms are arranged with small camp chairs in rows, and the 
piano is placed in a position to make it visible to all. There 

58 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

may be programmes with an intermission for passing frappt or 
an ice. Ten numbers are sufficient; err rather with a short 
programme, with your guests demanding more, than weary 
with one which is too long. Musicales are like receptions inas- 
much as the hostess receives and there are the same refresh- 
ments served after the programme, when the chairs are removed 
so that the guests may move with freedom. 

It is proper to applaud, and encores may be given at the 
discretion of the artists. Those taking part may be profes- 
sionals, or distinguished friends who have returned from 
abroad, whom the hostess takes this method of introducing 
to the public. 

Afternoon musicales or readings are conducted in the same 
way as receptions, only the hour on the invitation is a specific 
one, such as "Three o'clock," and not "From Three to Five," 
unless the entertainment offered is not to be arranged as a con- 
secutive programme but the numbers given at intervals. 
For an evening musicale full dress is required for both men and 
women. 



59 



VIII.— BALL-ROOM CUSTOMS 

A DANCING party assumes the proportions of a ball when 
several hundred invitations are issued, and the affair 
takes place in the ball-room of a club or hotel. Few 
private homes are equipped with sufficient space to give a large 
ball with comfort. Subscription dances always take place 
in a public ball-room, the invitations bearing the names of the 
patronesses. 

At private dancing parties the word " ball" is not used, but 
"Cotillon," 'or "Dancing after ten," or just simply the word 
"Dancing," at the bottom of a reception card, indicates the 
nature of the entertainment. 

An awning is usually spread from the house to the street, 
with a canvas or carpet to protect dainty gowns and slippers, 
especially if the weather is inclement. 

A polished hardwood floor is fine for dancing, with paraffin, 
wax, or even a slight sprinkling of corn meal to make it delight- 
fully smooth. This will be a welcome hint to those who are 
fond of after-dinner drawing-room dancing, with an accom- 
modating member of the family at the piano and even father 
participating in the pretty figures which young people love. 

There should be a row of small chairs around a ball-room 
for chaperons and dancers. Camp chairs are best, as they may 
be easily moved. Decorations of flowers and palms add to the 
effect, but ostentatious trimming of the room is not necessary. 

At a full-fledged ball, a stringed orchestra furnishes the 
music; at dancing parties of an informal nature, two or three 
pieces are sufficient. There must be dance programmes 
furnished. They are placed in the dressing-rooms or handed 
to the guests by a servant as they enter the ball-room. At 
small parties programmes are not necessary; there should 
then be a master of ceremonies, who will attend to the music. 

60 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

When the guests number more than a hundred, there should 
be checks in the dressing-rooms, and for the carriages, these 
details being in charge of a servant. At such affairs, a buffet 
supper is served and no attempt made to seat all the guests at 
once. There must be a punch or frappe bowl in charge of a 
servant who must keep a large supply of clean glasses constantly 
on hand. A caterer is usually employed for these large 
functions, and he supplies everything, from extra servants to 
smallest items, such as spoons, napkins, etc. 

A mother is assisted in receiving by her daughters, and by 
as many others as she wishes to honor. Her husband assists 
also, and carefully watches to see that every one dances ; that 
the chaperons receive attention ; in fact, he must be a general 
utility man. 

A young man, at a ball, must put aside all his personal 
preferences and dance with any strangers in the community 
who may not know many people. For the time being he must 
consider himself the obedient servant of his hostess, and assist 
her in every possible way. This is put thus strongly because 
often our dancing men absorb the attention of one or two 
especially popular girls to the exclusion of other maids who 
are not so attractive, or perhaps not such good dancers. 
A hostess feels dreadfully if there are "wall-flowers," and 
every man should see to it that there are none. 

Introductions are essential at a ball, and the daughters of 
the house are equally responsible with their mother in seeing 
that presentations are made. 

For the " German," or as it is more generally called, the 
"Cotillon," there should be an equal number of men and 
women. It is the hostess who chooses the man to lead, and 
she asks him if he wishes a partner to assist or if he wishes to 
lead alone. His decision must be unquestioned. 

She consults him as to the favors, and he selects all the 
figures to suit himself. Any friend who does not dance may 
be asked to preside at the favor table, and the hostess may do 
so if she is not dancing, or one of the chaperons may thus assist. 

6x 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

A son of the hostess must see that all guests are provided 
with partners, and assumes an equal responsibility with his 
mother and father. It is poor taste for men to congregate in 
the cloak rooms and smoke during more than one dance. They 
were invited to make themselves generally agreeable, and a 
man who wishes to lounge and smoke should not accept the 
invitation. In entering a ball-room, a woman precedes a man 
whether husband, father, or brother; an elderly woman pre- 
cedes the younger in making her greeting to the hostess. 

If a young woman is not asked immediately to dance, she 
remains seated by her chaperon. Unless her programme is 
entirely full, a dance with the son of the hostess may not be 
refused, nor may she refuse a dance with one man and immedi- 
ately after give it to some one else. She must sit out that dance. 

A woman may not be excused from a promised engagement 
unless too ill to dance. If she refuses, that finishes her dancing 
for the evening. The young man she refuses may look for 
another partner, after seeing that she is made comfortable by 
returning her to her chaperon. 

Unless engaged to a man, a girl should not make herself 
conspicuous by dancing with the same person too often, nor 
is it proper to disappear into secluded corners and sit out 
dances with a man. 

The writer is often asked by young girls just entering 
society what to say when asked to dance. A woman merely 
hands the man her programme, and says " I am not engaged 
for that dance, and will give it to you with pleasure." If 
there are no programmes, she says " You may have the dance 
(or that number); I '11 be very glad to dance it with you." 

There really can be no set phrases, for what would sound 
natural from one person would sound affected from another, 
and the main thing is to be just one's natural self. 

When the dance is over a man may say " Thank you," and 
the girl respond with, "It certainly was delightful, the music 
is excellent, " or words to that effect. A man, if late to keep 
his dance engagement, should be profuse n his apologies. 

62 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

A man must always give the first dance to the woman he es- 
corts, or if he is unattached, his first duties are to the daughters 
of the hostess or guests in the house ; after that he may seek his 
own pleasure, keeping a watchful eye open to see when he may 
assist his hostess. It is a woman's privilege to make the move 
to go home, and adieus need not be said unless occasion offers 
when the hostess is disengaged. 

If a man is suddenly called away from a ball it is his duty 
to personally explain his absence to every one with whom he 
may have a dance engaged, and if possible provide partners for 
them ; this may be difficult, and he may be pardoned if not 
successful. 

A man may send flowers to the young lady whom he is to 
escort to a ball, but it is not obligatory. If he is engaged, it is 
a thoughtful attention to send his fiancee a bunch of violets, 
for there is no girl who does not love and appreciate them. 



*2> 



IX.— ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCE- 
MENTS AND SHOWERS 

OF late it has become the accepted custom to announce 
engagements through the medium of the society col- 
umns in the newspapers. 

The news is made public in this way. The form which 
follows is correct, and is given for the benefit of the many 
who have inquired of the writer on the subject : 

u Mr. and Mrs. Andrew James Black, 23 Rosalie Court, 
announce the engagement of their daughter Catharine to Mr. 
Henry Ward Lyons, of Boston. The wedding will take place 
in the Fall." 

Very often, the news is first announced to relatives and 
intimate friends at a dinner-party given at the bride's home, 
when she goes in with her father, and her fiancS escorts his 
mother-in-law-to-be, to the table. 

A girl may ask those whom she wishes to compose her 
bridal party, and make the announcement at a luncheon or a 
dinner if the men who are to officiate are asked. This is done 
if it is possible for the bridegroom-elect to be present. Both 
the man and the girl will write to their intimate friends and 
relatives, so the news is pretty well circulated before the public 
announcement is made through the papers. In sending any 
notice to a society editor it must be signed with name and ad- 
dress, as no attention is paid to anonymous communications, 
especially regarding an engagement announcement or a wed- 
ding notice. Both must be properly authorized. 

The family of the expectant bridegroom should be most 
cordial in their reception of the engaged girl after the an- 
nouncement is made. The mother of the man should call at 
once, and very soon invite the girl and her mother, or the 
family, to a dinner. * 

64 



II 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



In regard to "Showers." They are certainly a twentieth- 
century innovation, although for years it has been customary 
for the intimate friends and relatives of a bride-elect to send 
her gifts upon the announcement of her engagement. If they 
are not overdone it is really a courteous attention which will be 
shown to a girl, in all probability, but once. Discretion is 
necessary however, in the way invitations are extended to 
such affairs. The same persons should not be expected to con- 
tribute to five or six showers, and then send a wedding gift, too. 

It is not always wise to fill every day of the week before the 
wedding with some such function. It is far better to have 
these occasions some weeks before the wedding, and then have 
the articles simple but useful ; the friends consulting carefully 
so that there will not be duplicates. These afternoons should 
be informal and filled with the sweet confidence, which girls 
love to exchange, for they will in reality be "last" days, as 
most brides sever home ties when they marry. 

The refreshments served are simple, and no attempt is made 
to entertain lavishly. As I have said many times in answers 
to correspondents, the guests at a shower should only be the 
nearest and dearest friends of the bride-to-be, those who would 
give her something anyhow, shower or no shower. The hostess 
usually asks the guests verbally, explaining the nature of the 
affair, or sends her card by post with "Linen shower for Miss 
B on Tuesday at four." 

Sometimes these parties are given in the evening, and the 
men of the bridal party, or those who will be asked to the wed- 
ding, are invited. The following is a list of showers that 
have been successfully given : 

Linen, towel, handkerchief , collar, pin, paper, glass and jar 
for canned fruits and jellies, book, recipe, flowers, flower seeds, 
miscellaneous, novelty, kitchen, bath-room shower, — including 
such articles as soap, wash-cloths, etc., — emergency (canned 
goods), pillow, plate, cup and saucer, spoon, bowl, apron, and 
laundry, which latter includes articles of use in a laundry — 
clothes-pin bags, bags for soiled linen, handkerchiefs, etc. 

65 



X.— WEDDING CARDS 

THE proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is 
between two and three weeks before the day set for the 
ceremony. 

A list of the bridegroom's friends is sent to the bride's 
mother, and the entire list is sent to the stationer's with addresses 
properly noted, if he is to have the cards addressed before 
sending them home. This is done for so much a hundred, and 
it is quite proper to leave it to be done by professionals. How- 
ever, many young people enjoy looking over and addressing 
their own cards. An up-to-date stationer will always give the 
correct and prevailing style in paper, which is of the best quality 
and engraved; but the size of sheet and envelope varies a little 
from year to year, so no exact dimensions are given. 

It is courteous to send wedding invitations to important 
business friends of a bride's father, the bridegroom's father, 
and to his own business associates. This is especially permis- 
sible if the wedding is to take place in a church. "When there 
is a very large list, it is quite customary to send cards for the 
church, and cards for the reception or breakfast enclosed 
for those who are to attend both. No one should feel slighted 
at being invited to witness the ceremony only. 

The entire expense of the wedding or announcement 
cards is borne by the bride's family, as well as for any 
enclosure cards that may announce the first " at home " days. 
Of course if the " at home " cards are not sent out with the 
wedding cards, the bridegroom may pay for them as for 
any other expense after marriage. If cards are for the church 
only, it is well to have the address of the one who gives the wed- 
ding embossed upon the outside envelope. 

The question, " How should wedding invitations be ad- 
dressed?" is thus answered by some of the best authorities: 

66 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

Simply "Mrs. George Brown" on the outside envelope; 
" Mr. and Mrs. Brown " on the inside envelope. There is a 
sanction for "Mr. and Mrs" on the envelope if any one wants 
to use it, but the best critics of large cities claim that a woman 
is the head of social affairs, and to her all invitations should 
be addressed. The words " and family " should not be used 
on the inside envelope; it is an obsolete custom. Economize 
in some other way than on the wedding cards. 

The eldest daughter is entitled to a card, addressed to 
"Miss Brown," and the second daughter has one addressed 
to "Miss Natalie Brown"; twin sisters may be addressed as 
"The Misses Brown," and this term may also be used if there 
are four or five girls in a family, as common sense shows how 
ridiculous it would be to simply swamp a family with cards ; 
but this applies to sisters only; each son must have a separate 
card. 

All one's visiting list may receive cards to a church cere- 
mony, and one's physician, if the family is known socially; 
but purely professional acquaintances do not expect cards. 

Announcement cards should be addressed and stamped 
ready to mail immediately after the ceremony. If the place 
of residence has been decided upon, " at home " cards may be 
enclosed, or if there is to be a reception given for the couple 
in the near future by the bride's mother, these cards may be 
enclosed with announcements. 

It is not considered the best form to give an " at home " or 
" reception at such and such a place " on the corner of a wed- 
ding invitation or an announcement card; there should be a 
separate card or cards. 

For a large church wedding in a big city there should be 
" church cards " enclosed with all invitations, which must be 
shown to the ushers, who will also be furnished with a list of 
those to sit in front of the ribbons. It would save much trouble 
if the guests who are to have seats of honor would write their 
names on their church cards, so the ushers would see at a 
glance from their well-memorized list just where they are to sit. 

67 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

In case of a wedding at a country place, it is proper to 
enclose a card giving time of special train, if there is one, or 
any information that may assist the guest. On these invita- 
tions it may be necessary to say " The favor of a reply is re- 
quested," as all details must be perfected as soon as possible, 
and a hostess must know, as it takes longer to execute plans 
in the country. 

A widow has her cards engraved, as for her first marriage, 
provided her parents are living, only she uses the prefix Mrs. 
and her husband's surname. If there are no parents or near 
relatives, the cards may read as follows : 



<jAenewuw cf'woiw/iveA&tvce eA veaMebfoct 



a£t/ie f m*vw€4za& < 



e^W Jflame <^Auiw&ri t/vewcvwt 



to 






68 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

If a girl marries a military man with a higher rank than 
lieutenant, he may use his title on the wedding cards, as " Cap- 
tain Henry Clarke"; but if a lieutenant, the cards must read 
like this: 



^Hv. Gvnct ^^W. &i<zverice ^fw&nt 
wfyiiebt we Acruw of wouw fi&ebence 

to 

^itetUe'Tuvrit ^ouwtfi zsLeavm&rit 

on tne tilieit'nooM, of ^/a&vxctctrt/,, $u<ne tAe beconct 

Aa/zctMew &twee ociock 

t/oiiTvt csizu/k io/uwcA 

<du*t?ie€iftou&, ^Mi'rvne&o&i 



6 9 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

No acceptance or regrets need be sent to a church wedding 
which does not include reception or breakfast cards or bear the 
words, "Please reply," or their equivalent. Announcements 
of weddings require no acknowledgment. 

A wedding reception invitation must receive an acknowl- 
edgment. When refreshments are to be served it is only 
common politeness to respond at once, so that the hostess may 
know for how many she has to prepare. 

If the bridegroom is a clergyman, the words "The Rev- 
erend" precede his name, followed by the letters "D. D." if 
he has the honor of being a Doctor of Divinity. No honorary 
titles ever appear on wedding cards. 

The following furnish some excellent examples of the very 
best forms for wedding invitations and announcements: 






/&n& /tfoaufatviel' /nwie' Awncl?te<6 /cvnc6 /maw 

70 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



(Space for name) 

iA€r: wAart&i (bxtuwv flew 



w 



" The honor of your presence" is considered the best form 
for a church ceremony, and "the pleasure of your company," 
or "the honor of your company," at a home ceremony. 

For the hour, it is better to say "half after" than "half 
past"; and it must be remembered to use the prefix "Miss" 
if invitations are sent out by the married sister of a bride-elect ; 
it must also be used if the invitations are issued by a mother 
who has been remarried. If the father remarries, the " Miss" 
is omitted, and simply the bride-elect's Christian name or 
names are used. 

71 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



at (foe weddcna, 'yeceA&on, cf(foeiw dauaAfait 

cm, *J(Aebcl<vu> ew&rwna,, ^da^cA trie finiwtie/A 
cne Ifooutevnct 'nwve Auwcfaed and Mwve 



/m&a> 



72 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



<lMw. aavd e>4t^. So&efiA i^me^i^ri 

weaMebt the fileaMtwe o£ 



(Space for name) 



avid 

zMw: S&iftedJfu^ 

an w& eiwnina, c^ JAtw&dww, i/ie fifteen/A cf&wie 



73 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



AGCpUltX' MIC/ fyOftOAW JOV 

(Space for name) 
xneAcncv joA/ m%c/ .mwvdaao; o£ mwa/v AouvuaMjvu 

fa 
fj\ yy. OyjinJaoAh \jan)biafv (bfrtexbatv 

xm/ WcJaic^JUlw .v&cjxincL, m\cj Isfajitictiy /oJu JucjcjcakvLvu 

xm& irtauSatid/ Aiitw/ Jruindxad/ xind/ AcAjcav 

cftj fLaW alte/v AqAmv .o'clock 

4800 §&c«ida4v 2)*is2e 

yjfiicauo/ 



74 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



c/ll/t. and <J\Lr&. ^oJW^^<iwi^ 

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at tnz maviiaae ol tnei* daAianteA 

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ta 

an Unux&dau oAtmina, tna sixtoanw. alUUiauAt 

arte, tnanSand nine tyiind/ied and six 

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75 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



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at tne maAAtaae, ai inzi/i dauardax 

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vJoicaaa 



76 



'Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



xzq\xtsA& t\\t fymtour of 

(Space for name) 

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to 

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^Escattaba, ^ttlftgan 



77 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

When there is no one to make the announcement of a 
wedding, it may be done by the couple themselves by use of the 
following forms: 

%^ 

78 



"Dame Curtsey's Book of Etiquette 






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79 



Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



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Please present this card at the 
First Presbyterian Church 

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Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 



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81 



XL— CONCERNING BRIDES AND 
WEDDINGS 

LET it be said, once for all, that a prospective bridegroom 
pays absolutely nothing towards his fiancee's trousseau 
nor does he bear any of the wedding expenses. The 
engraving and posting of invitations or announcement cards, 
the music at church or house, the decorations, awnings, extra 
servants that may be required, the carriages that take bride 
and maids to the church, are all pgid for by the family of the 
bride. A bride decides the date of her wedding and also the 
nature of the event, whether it should be celebrated in the 
church or at home. 

It is the duty of the bride's family to provide carriages to 
and from the station to house or church, if the wedding is in the 
country, and the guests come out from the city. Guests who 
reside in the country will furnish their own conveyances. If 
the bridegroom does not live in the country, the father of the 
bride may with perfect propriety place a carriage at his disposal 
to take himself and bride from the church to the house, and 
to the station after the reception. 

A bride should see that a list of all her wedding gifts is kept 
as they arrive, with the names and addresses of the donors, 
and unless prevented by illness, she should reply with a note of 
thanks at once. A supply of fine note paper, with envelopes 
to match, and stamps should be on hand so there will be 
nothing lacking. 

It is most unkind to leave the acknowledgment of wed- 
ding gifts until weeks after the ceremony. Unless circum- 
stances warrant it, a wedding note should always be written 
by the bride, as it is a breach of etiquette to delegate the task, 
which should be a pleasure, to any one else. 

The best way to write the note is to mention the gift. The 

82 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

following examples may be of assistance to some over-worked 
bride-elect whose brain is in a perfect whirl. 

Dear Mrs. Jenkins: 

The beautiful plates which you and Mr. Jenkins sent us have 
just arrived. They are exactly what I have always wanted and 
will be a beautiful addition to our china cabinet. Your wishes 
so sweetly expressed for our happiness I feel sure will be real- 
ized. 

Please accept my sincere thanks for this and your many 
kindnesses. 

Most cordially yours, 

Helen Springer. 

My dear Mr. Monroe: 

The charming bit of linen has arrived. I cannot tell you 
how much I appreciate being remembered by one so far away, 
and I am delighted to possess this interesting piece and know 
that you selected it on your journeyings abroad. 

When you return, it will give Mr. Hall and myself great 
pleasure to have you in our own home, where you can see how 
well your gift looks on the table. Wishing that you could be 
here to witness the ceremony on Wednesday, 

I am sincerely yours, 

Pauline Nelson. 



Wedding gifts are displayed in a room especially arranged 
for their disposal with all the cards carefully removed. Some 
brides prefer not to have their gifts shown to any save the in- 
timate friends and relatives. It is quite customary to set a 
time, a day or two before the wedding, to show the trousseau 
and gifts to the inner circle, and sometimes, after the bride 
departs the gifts are left out for friends to see. All these ques- 
tions must be settled by individual preference, for there is no 
settled law regarding what must or must not be done. 

83 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

Wedding presents are always sent to the bride, no matter 
whether the sender is acquainted with her or not. A bride- 
groom may receive personal gifts from old friends and mem- 
bers of the family, but it is the general custom to send every- 
thing directly to the bride. 

Cards accompanying gifts may be without writing or may 
have a short message of loving greeting inscribed. As presents 
are usually packed and sent from where they were purchased, 
plain cards are also provided to send, if the giver does not 
happen to have an engraved one at hand. Pencil inscriptions 
are perfectly proper. 

The usual preference is to have everything marked with the 
bride's initials. In case a great deal of flat silver is to be 
presented, it is well to consult the bride as to how she would 
have it marked ; some prefer the initials which will in all prob- 
ability be used for life. The old custom of using the initial 
of the bride's last name with bridegroom's similar initial is 
being revived with success in marking table silver. 

Gifts should be sent as soon as possible after wedding cards 
are received, as it makes it much easier for the bride to write 
her notes of thanks. 

The old custom that brides should not be seen in public 
after the cards were out was a good one, inasmuch as it gave 
time to rest and make the final preparations in a leisurely man- 
ner. Now a bride is filed up to almost the very hour of her 
marriage, just as if her friends thought they would never have 
another opportunity of showing her any social distinction. 

The choosing of the attendants at a wedding is a question 
to be decided by the individual. The maid of honor is usually 
the bride's sister, and it is perfectly proper to have a married 
woman fill the office as "matron of honor." Married men 
may also serve. Those who are to compose the bridal party 
should be asked as far in advance as possible, that all neces- 
sary details may be carefully planned. 

A bride usually presents the maid of honor and bridesmaids 
with a remembrance. Jewelry is most frequently selected. 

8 4 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

It is a quaint conceit to have these favors made especially for 
the ones to whom they are to be given, using the birth-stone of 
each as a setting. This the bridegroom may do in the scarf 
pins usually presented to the best man and ushers. He also 
provides their gloves and neck-ties, sending them to the home 
of each one after first carefully ascertaining the sizes worn. 
The best man is chosen by the bridegroom. A brother gener- 
ally officiates in this capacity. The ushers are chosen by 
both bride and bridegroom, but the latter's friends have the 
preference. 

The fee for the clergyman is given by the bridegroom to the 
best man, who sees that he gets it immediately after the cere- 
mony or just before the entrance for the ceremony is made. 

A bridegroom provides the carriages for ushers, himself, 
and best man, also the bouquets for the entire wedding party, 
the one for the bride being somewhat more elaborate than the 
others. All the men wear boutonnieres in the lapel of coat. 
Bridesmaids and ushers arrive at the home of the bride at 
least a half-hour before the ceremony, the maids to receive 
their bouquets, and the ushers to have their boutonnieres 
pinned on by the bride, and receive any final instructions. 
Then the ushers go to the church to await the arrival of the 
first guest. The organist should be instructed to play a pro- 
gramme of suitable music. The bride usually prepares the 
names of the selections and sends them to him at least a week 
in advance, and he should play after the ceremony until the 
last guest has left the church. 

An usher offers his right arm to each woman guest, and 
takes her to the pew, followed by the man who accompanies 
her. Just before the wedding march begins, the bride's mother 
enters, escorted by the head usher, to her pew on the left of 
the centre aisle. The bridegroom's family occupy pews on the 
right of the aisle. 

After the families are seated, the inside doors of the church 
are closed while the bridal party is arranged in the vestibule. 
The prevailing custom is for the ushers to enter first in pairs, 

85 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

about six feet between each couple ; the bridesmaids follow and 
pass between the ushers, who separate at the altar rail, half 
going one way and half the other. The maid or matron of 
honor walks alone, followed by the bride on the arm of her 
father, or whoever performs the office of giving her away. A 
brother, uncle, or guardian may do this, or a widowed mother; 
in the latter case, she merely rises in her pew and bows her 
head when the proper time comes. 

After the ceremony, the bridesmaids precede the ushers, or 
each one walks with an usher, and the maid of honor goes with 
the best man ; of course it is understood that the newly married 
couple head the procession in going out of the church. No 
guests leave the church until the families of both bride and 
bridegroom have made their exit as well as those who sat in 
front of the ribbons. This is a courtesy which is seldom 
shown. No suggestions may be given for decorations, for so 
much depends upon the money to be spent. A capable florist 
should have charge, who will follow out the bride's ideas. It 
is best, though, to err on the side of simplicity both in church 
and house decorations. 

Candles make a delightfully soft light and may be used in 
profusion with good results, and flowers in their seasons are 
always acceptable. Pink, green, and white are favorable color 
schemes, and much more satisfactory at night than yellow. 
The latter is best in broad daylight, and in the early spring or 
fall. Winter weddings are very beautiful, with a wealth of 
holly, greens, mistletoe, and red ribbons. 

A home wedding is carried out much as is the church 
wedding. The order of procession is the same. As the last 
words are said, the ribbons forming the aisle are rolled up and 
the clergyman congratulates the couple, leaving them to step 
into his place to receive their friends. If there are flower girls 
or pages, they immediately precede the bride at either a church 
or home wedding. If wine is served it should be champagne. 

The old custom of having a bridal register to be signed 
with signatures of the guests has been revived. The book is 

86 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

prepared for just this purpose, having the initials of both bride 
and bridegroom. Some one should be appointed to see that 
guests write their names. 

At the reception which follows nearly every church or home 
ceremony, the parents of the bride stand just inside the door to 
welcome their guests; next to them the happy pair and the 
members of the bridal party. The latter stand in line for only 
half an hour or so and then are taken by the ushers for refresh- 
ments, if there is not to be regular supper for all at a prepared 
bridal table. The father and mother of the bridegroom are 
next the bridal party as guests of honor, and there should be 
several intimate friends asked to assist in making introductions, 
besides the ushers, who have all they can attend to with strangers 
who need to be presented to the bride. All this, of course, is 
where there are several hundred guests. The bride must be 
most gracious to every one, presenting to her husband people 
he has not met, and he does the same with people she has 
not previously known. 

The bridal couple must stand in line as long as people arrive. 
Some brides do not partake of refreshments if the time is short, 
but slip upstairs to change for the going-away gown. However, 
the custom of making a long journey just because one is married 
is not in vogue as much as it used to be. 

The honeymoon is more often spent at the country house of 
a friend who places it at their disposal, or on an automobile 
trip. Sometimes a short stay is made in the country or at the 
seashore ; then the couple return to settle their home in apart- 
ment or house, as the case may be. 

A bride usually has "at home" days as soon as she is set- 
tled, for every one must call, and it is a pleasure on both sides to 
find the young matron at home ready to receive her friends. 

It is the duty of every member of the bridal party to call 
not only on the bride, but upon her mother, at least within a 
month after the ceremony. 

The best man should call at the bride's home after seeing 
the happy pair off on their wedding trip, to convey any messages 

87 



'Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

the bride may wish to send back. The destination of the couple 
is usually kept a secret, for a day or two after their departure. 

The custom of accompanying the newly wed to the station 
is not considered good form, nor is the showering of rice to the 
extent it is often carried. Rose petals and confetti are much 
better with just enough rice to carry out the good luck tradition. 
The same may be said of old shoes. The bridal party may 
send a couple of worn out white satin slippers after the car- 
riage, but they should not be tied to the vehicle nor to the trunks, 
for there is really nothing humorous in making a laughing-stock 
of one's best friends. 

The sooner the young people of this age realize that mar- 
riage is a solemn religious ceremony the better. Everything 
should be joy and gladness, but practical jokes and vulgarity 
should be dispensed with at this time. 

Owing to lack of time and space, dancing is scarcely prac- 
ticable at most weddings, but it is a very pretty custom where 
there are many young people present, to have the bride dance 
with her husband, then with the best man, the bridegroom dan- 
cing with the maid of honor. In olden days, it was the fashion 
to have a double set of lancers participated in by all the 
bridal party, while the guests looked on with admiring 
eyes. At wedding breakfasts or suppers, it is quite the custom 
to serve all the guests at small tables, and the bridal party 
together at a table. This should not be attempted without 
capable servants. 

Wedding cake may be placed in fancy boxes prepared for 
the purpose, by the guests to take home. The waiters may pass 
the boxes at the conclusion of the breakfast or refreshments, 
or they may be on a table in the hall with a servant to dis- 
tribute them as the guests depart. The bridegroom, if in town, 
provides the carriage in which he takes his bride away. It is 
also allowable for him to tip the church sexton and the house 
servants. 

The best man hands the ring at the proper time to the bride- 
groom, who in turn hands it to the minister. It is always best 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

to have a careful rehearsal for either a church or home wedding, 
no matter how simple, for it would be annoying to have a mis- 
take made which could have been avoided by an explanation 
beforehand. 

Hats, veils, or head coverings of some kind are required 
in Roman Catholic and Episcopal churches, and the congrega- 
tion stand to witness the ceremony. A trusted servant should be 
commissioned to care for the hats of the men attendants, es- 
pecially those of the bridegroom and best man, and have 
them at the front of the church ready for them when they enter 
the carriage. The question of a bride wearing or not wearing 
gloves is one much discussed. Many brides decide in favor of 
not wearing them as the ceremony goes more smoothly when 
the glove does not have to be removed or the finger turned 
back. For the reception, however, gloves are worn. This is 
a point which each one must decide for herself. Custom sanc- 
tions either way. 

When the bride ascends to change her gown, she usually 
throws her bouquet over the banisters to be caught by some 
lucky young woman, who fate decrees will wed within the 
year. Sometimes the bouquet is made in many parts ; even if 
it is not a "shower" bouquet, which is the favorite just now, 
and the one who catches it divides with the other members 
of the bridal party. 

At a second marriage, the bride or her family, bear all the 
wedding expenses just the same as for a first ceremony. It is 
conducted more quietly than when it is a woman's first exper- 
ience. There is no veil or orange blossoms. Those come but 
once in a girl's lifetime ; that is why, when asked my opinion as 
to a girl's bridal gown, I always say "White, orange blossoms, 
and a veil." 

A widow does not have more than one attendant, no pages, 
no flower girl; but if in a church, there must be ushers if there 
are many guests, and she may carry a bouquet. The first wed- 
ding and engagement rings must be removed. If there is a 
daughter by the first husband, she is the one to receive these 

89 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

tokens of her mother's early love. There may be a reception, 
a breakfast, or a dinner, whichever seems most feasible. 

A man on making a second marriage does not give a fare- 
well dinner to his bachelor friends, otherwise everything is 
the same as for the first ceremony. 

If it is some years since a woman's first husband died 
and she is still on friendly terms with his family, she may 
send them cards or announcements of her second marriage. 
People with good common sense must take these changes in a 
proper spirit and not consider that a second marriage shows 
any lack of love or respect for the one who has passed on. 

Guests should remember that a bridegroom receives con- 
gratulations, and the bride the earnest wishes for her happiness. 
It is never polite to engage either of the couple in a prolonged 
conversation while other guests are waiting to meet them. 

If the couple are to leave directly for the train after the cere- 
mony, the bridegroom sends his suitcase packed with his travel- 
ing clothes to the home of the bride on the morning of the wed- 
ding, so that he may change his wedding garments while the 
bride is donning her going-away gown. At the request of the 
bride it is quite customary for the maid of honor and the honored 
maids to go to her room with her, and assist in removing the 
bridal finery for the plainer costume. 

If a man gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends, it 
is generally on a night when the bride entertains her maids. 
At these functions the favors for the wedding are often given. 
If there are no such affairs, the gift may be sent to each one 
with the personal card of the bride for the girls, and the bride- 
groom's card to the men. 

In using a visiting card to go with a gift, if there is any writ- 
ing on the front of the card, draw a line through the name ; 
if on the back of the card, this is not necessary. 

If more than one clergyman takes part in the wedding cere- 
mony, each must receive a fee. No sum can be named, as a 
clergyman keeps his own counsel regarding such matters. As 
large a sum as the bridegroom's circumstances warrant should 

90 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

be given; five dollars at least, and twenty-five if possible. 
In case a relative performs the ceremony it is not customary 
to offer money, but a gift of some sort should be sent; if the 
clergyman is wealthy and unmarried, a sum could be given 
him to use as he saw fit, either in charity or for some article in 
the church. These, too, are individual questions, most difficult 
for an outsider to settle. 

There are some social laws as unalterable as those of the 
Medes and Persians, and those have been laid down here. On 
other points mere suggestions are given. 

If there is a large wedding cake, as tradition says there 
should be, the head waiter hands the bride a knife tied with 
white ribbon and she cuts the first slice. The cake is then cut 
by the waiter, who passes it to the bridal party first. Sometimes 
the cake contains a ring, coin, and thimble, but such a cake is 
usually served at the dinner or supper given by the bride as her 
last hospitality in her father's house. Persons in deep mourn- 
ing may send wedding gifts, even though they do not attend. 

Wedding cards to a church ceremony only, do not indicate 
that a gift is necessary. In fact the question of wedding pres- 
ents has resolved itself to this : do not send a gift unless you 
wish to do so, or would even if there were no cards issued. 

A bride with any fine sense of what is right does not wish 
to receive gifts unless they are prompted by love and respect; 
nor does she wish to be under obligations to mere acquaintances. 
People who wish to show some appreciation of the invitation 
and yet are not close enough to feel like sending a present, may 
with perfect propriety send the bride a box, basket, or bouquet of 
flowers on her wedding day, with a card bearingcongratulations. 

Toasts at a wedding breakfast or dinner are a pleasing 
feature when all are seated, and they are cleverly made and 
drunk in champagne, the only liquor — so custom decrees — 
which should be used at a wedding festivity. The bridegroom 
responds to the health of the bride, and the best man to that of 
the maid of honor, if such a toast is given. A woman need 
not respond to a toast more than to murmur " Thank you." 

91 



XII.- WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 



T 



HIS list of wedding anniversaries is the most correct one 
obtainable and has been made up from various authori- 
ties: 

One year — Cotton wedding. 

Two years — Paper wedding. 

Three years — Leather wedding. 

Five years — Wooden wedding. 

Seven years — Woollen wedding. 

Ten years — Tin wedding. 

Twelve years — Linen wedding. 

Fifteen years — Crystal wedding. 

Twenty years — China wedding. 

Twenty-five years — Silver wedding. 

Thirty years — Pearl wedding. 

Forty years — Ruby wedding. 

Fifty years — Golden wedding. 

Seventy-five years — Diamond wedding. 

Whether the celebrations of wedding anniversaries should 
be formal or informal rests entirely with the individual. Most 
young couples like to celebrate their first anniversary by having 
the bridal party together, when all have a happy time talking 
over the events of the past year. 

As time goes on and people separate, it is not so easy to 
gather one's old friends together, and one scarcely feels like 
inviting new ones to as intimate affairs as anniversary func- 
tions should be. 

Every couple should note the day with something unusual, 
for it is in the keeping of these precious days in life's calendar 
that loving ties are strengthened. One couple always add 
some much coveted article to their household furnishings on 
the anniversary day. Another lover-husband always sends 
his wife a box of her wedding flowers on the morning of the 
anniversary. 

92 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

When the silver wedding comes, it should certainly be 
observed, and the golden anniversary is so rare that it is an 
occasion to be celebrated with all possible pomp and cere- 
mony. The invitation should be engraved in gold. It some- 
times happens that health or circumstances will not permit 
any special observation of the day, and in this case the couple 
may send out golden announcements. 

The examples that follow may serve for any of the anni- 
versaries. 



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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

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For a silver wedding, the engraving should be done in sil- 
ver, and for the wooden wedding birch bark is sometimes used 
for the invitations, or a paper that is in imitation of wood. 

Presents are not obligatory at these anniversaries; if they 
are sent, it is customary to have them symbolic of the occa- 
sion. Articles of tin, wood, cotton, linen, etc., are all accept- 
able and may be had in great variety. In serving refresh- 
ments at informal celebrations of the fifth or tenth anniver- 
sary, dishes of wood and tin are used, and this makes a jolly 
lark for the intimate friends who delight in making festive 
these occasions. 

In many instances, a bride dons her wedding gown on the 
anniversary day. This is an interesting feature as the years 
progress and fashion changes. 

At a silver or golden wedding, it is a delightful feature to 
have letters read aloud, which have been received from friends 
who witnessed the marriage twenty-five or fifty years before. 

94 



XIII.— CHRISTENINGS 

IT is granted that the baptism of a child is purely a religious 
ceremony, nevertheless there may be a social side which 
many parents like to observe. In the Roman Catholic 
and Episcopal churches, an infant is baptized at an early age. 
Ten days or two weeks is the usual time, therefore the mother 
is rarely present. The rule is to have two godmothers and one 
godfather for a girl baby, and two godfathers and one god- 
mother for a boy baby. These sponsors are selected from the 
circle of relatives, or very close friends, whom the parents may 
depend upon to be responsible for the solemn vows which the 
office imposes. The nurse holds the child when the event takes 
place at an early date after birth. 

The sponsors are notified by note, or verbally, of the honor 
conferred upon them, and they should accept or decline at once. 
Sometimes a reception is held after the christening, at the house, 
for close friends and relatives; or there may be a dinner for 
the sponsors and officiating clergyman. The child's health 
may be drunk, and there should be a white iced cake served. 
The small child, let it be said, is not in evidence for more than 
ten minutes. If the christening is at home, and the baby is 
several months old, the affair may be quite after the manner 
of an afternoon reception with music, flowers, and refreshments. 

The mother appears in an elaborate reception gown, and 
all is very festive. For bon-bons at christening, the French 
people always serve sugared almonds, Jordan almonds, and 
the custom has come to this country, so the confectioners say; 
and "dragies" are in demand for many christening parties, 
or are sent by friends on the christening day, even if there 
is no party. 

It is also the custom for the sponsors and intimate friends 
to give christening presents. The old-time porringers, which 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

were of pewter, are reproduced in silver and Sheffield plate, 
making most desirable gifts for either boy or girl babies. 

A wealthy godfather may start his godson's bank account, 
and the family may give silver. If the health is drunk to a son 
and heir, a bottle of wine may be sealed, not to be opened till 
the day of his majority. 

In European countries, a child's godparents come after 
the parents in authority. In case of the latter's death they 
assume control and guide their charges through all life's 
troubles with their advice, and often assume financial respon- 
sibilities if necessary. 

In the future, when the office is more clearly understood 
by those who are not in the churches which now require spon- 
sors, there may be some such relationship established, for it is 
certainly a very comforting thought to parents to know that 
at least three persons are responsible for their child's moral 
welfare in case they must leave their helpless little ones. 



96 



XIV.— CHILDREN'S PARTIES 

THERE is a code of manners which every American child 
should learn. The accent is on the " American/' because 
on the Continent children are rarely seen until they have 
a certain poise, and know how to conduct themselves in due 
and proper manner. They are not at the table until six or 
eight years of age, if there are guests present, and then usually 
for dessert only. 

In this country, when they are scarcely able to walk, chil- 
dren begin their social career by having parties and all sorts 
of festivities. 

American children have rather an unsavory reputation in 
Europe, for which they are not to blame ; it is the place of the 
parents to see that a child knows how to acknowledge an intro- 
duction by saying, " How do you do, Mrs. French, " or to reply, 
"Very well, thank you." A child should not interrupt when 
older people are engaged in conversation ; and when spoken to 
should say, "Yes, mother," or, " No, Mrs. Gray." 

Having learned these first steps in the nursery, a child will 
be fitted to mingle with children and be a polite little host or 
hostess. Children have the same responsibility as their elders 
when it comes to entertaining. They must see that their guests 
play the games they like best, and they must give up treasured 
belongings for the amusement of others. Realizing that the 
choice of everything belongs to the visitor is a lesson hard to 
be learned by many petted "only children." 

To give parties often is indeed a splendid method of teach- 
ing self-control. Not elaborate evening functions, but after- 
noon parties with simple refreshments, where the young host or 
hostess works out his or her own problems, with a guiding hand 
to aid when necessary. 

It is a lesson, in more ways than one, to permit the young 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

aspirant for social honors to plan the affair with all the individu- 
ality at command. Of course this is by far the hardest way 
for mothers; it is much easier to say, "Now, don't bother, 
mother will attend to everything"; but, what responsibility it 
gives a child to write the note of invitation, and plan the refresh- 
ments and favors! 

This is of course for the little neighborhood affairs which 
should be a part of every child's life. For the elaborate birth- 
day party, or dance, the following models may be of service : 

Miss Mary and Master Robert Kellar 

will be happy to see 

Miss Gretchen Murdoe 

on Tuesday evening from seven to nine 

at 

Flossmore y Park Hill Terrace 

Dancing 

Miss Josephine Greene 

requests the pleasure of 

Master Harold Lock's company 

at her birthday party on the afternoon 

of June the tenths 

from 
three to six o'clock 

For very little children, birthday stationery comes ready 
for the names and date to be filled in. Mothers will find this 
very convenient, and children love the gayly decorated sheets 
with the wee envelopes. 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

Informal notes may be written in this way : 

Dear Grace: 

Mother says we may have a tea party on the lawn on 
Friday after school; please come and bring your doll. 

Yours sincerely , 

Helena Snow. 

The tendency of the times is towards day-time entertain- 
ments for all children under fifteen, and it is a move in the right 
direction. After that age, evening parties, on Friday or Satur- 
day nights are permissible, the hours being from seven to ten. 

At birthday parties the guests should be taught to offer con- 
gratulations by saying, " I wish you many happy returns of the 
day"; and it must be early taught children how to take leave 
by saying, " I have had a very happy time," or, " Thank you for 
the very pleasant party." 

It is a mother's bounden duty to know every child with 
whom her child plays, and she must use her judgment as 
to who is or who is not desirable. A child must learn to respect 
the home and never make complaint of a guest, no matter what 
the occasion. After the youthful offender has departed, mother 
may be told of the grievance, and the question settled. A 
child has a struggle to learn that tattling is a trait to be nipped 
in the bud. 

If a mother learns that her own child has been gravely at 
fault she must see that an apology is forthcoming, and that all 
reparation possible is made. It is only by this method that a 
true adjustment of neighborhood affairs may be maintained. 

At children's parties, the refreshments should be of the 
simplest character. Cocoa in winter, with whipped cream or a 
marshmallow in each cup, iced cocoa or lemonade in summer, 
plain sandwiches or with a chicken filling, wafers, cookies, 
angel-food or sunshine cake, ice-cream or ices with plain pep- 
permint candies, are sufficient. A birthday cake must always 
have candles, and children dearly love the snapping cracker 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

caps, and all the dainty favors which they take home. In fact 
the treasures that are taken home are half the party. 

Sometimes children take violent fancies to boys or girls 
whom the mother does not know. In this case, if there is a 
party contemplated, it is best to find out who the family is and 
then to second the child's invitation with a note to the mother 
expressing the hope that the child may be allowed to come. If 
it is responded to cordially, all well and good. 

It behooves every mother to stand next to her children 
in all their joys and sorrows, though in a most tactful way. 
If childish confidences are kept sacred, and a mother has 
the power of seeing as her child sees, there will never be 
much danger of losing either a boy or a girl from the 
home-fold, especially when that home is open with generous 
hospitality to all. 

There should be no room too fine or furnishings too beauti- 
ful for the children to use ; but, to avoid hard usage on one's 
finest rugs and expensively upholstered chairs, there should be 
one room, perhaps the child's own, or a den, where youthful 
members of the family may have full sway. 

One mother says, " But it all means so much work." That 
side of the question can have no possible bearing at all, for 
it is work to the very end ; but it may be a very happy, joyous 
work if the right viewpoint is taken, and it is only this 
right vision which means success to the American home and 
American children. 

This may seem like anything but a chapter on " Children's 
Parties" ; but mothers must read between the lines and see that 
every meal is conducted with party manners, and all the special 
days are kept with the party spirit. The shops are full of 
novelties for every season, and it costs but a trifle to indulge 
in the pretty favors which may be kept from year to year. As 
one six-year-old aptly expressed it when asked if she did n't love 
to go to parties, " Why, yes," she said, " of course, but pretty 
nearly every day we have a party at our house." 

The answer may be that all this is expensive. To that 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

the reply is, "Not necessarily," as in everything the cost may be 
what we can afford. Flowers in season, or even green leaves; 
the paper baskets made by nearly every child of kindergarten 
age for holding salted peanuts or bon-bons ; the tiny cup-cake 
with a candle, if the pocket-book precludes a large one. A 
doll's tea table, with cambric tea and wafers, has delighted 
the heart of many a child ; and let us all be thankful that a 
child under six is pleased with the merest trifle, and criti- 
cism is unknown, and should be an unknown quantity, as 
long as possible. 

The mother with wealth should aim to keep her children's 
parties simple, and so the social standard of childhood will be 
equal for as many years as it is possible to keep it so. In this 
every mother may do her share. The same may be said as to 
the character of entertainments and the hours. If every 
mother who has a daughter in school would say, "No parties 
save on Friday and Saturday nights, and then only until ten 
o'clock," it would be an innovation much to be desired. Also 
there should be no theatres save matinees, and those only of 
the very best. There should be no problem plays for the 
youths of this generation. 

A theatre for children is one of the promises of the future, 
and then there will be a charming way to entertain them, 
especially if performances take place in the open air. 



IOI 



XV.— OUT-DOOR SPORTS AND 
ENTERTAINMENTS 

IN this day and generation, when girls as well as men are 
taking such an active part in out-door sports, there has 
sprung a code for athletic etiquette that stamps the well- 
bred person from the one who is not wholly correct in the little 
details of out-door recreations. Each game has its rules, and 
they cannot be given in full here, as space does not permit. 

Every man should know when he has invited a woman for 
a drive, that he should bring the vehicle as close to the curb 
as possible, with the wheel well cranked, then stand with the 
lines in his hand, guarding her dress carefully from the wheels, 
while she is being seated. 

A man should lift his hat to every one to whom his com- 
panion bows whether he is acquainted or not. In driving, to 
touch his hat with the stock of his whip is sufficient if the 
horses demand his attention so that his hat can not be lifted. 

On a coaching party, the seat on the box with the driver is 
the place of honor, provided the host is also the whip. It is 
sometimes given to the chaperon, or the young woman whom 
the host wishes to honor. 

The costumes for horse-back riding, and for driving, differ 
in details from year to year, so it is best to consult a reliable 
tailor and dressmaker for styles in both costumes, then one is 
sure to be up-to-date. 

There is a distinct golf etiquette which every one should 
study who has aspirations in that direction. When a man and 
woman play together and there is no caddy, the man carries 
the woman's bag of clubs, aids in looking for her ball, forms 
the tees, and washes her balls. 

When one makes an error and plays on a green not cleared, 
an apology must be made. Slow or inexperienced players 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

should not retard the progress of those who may be more skil- 
ful; it is polite and considerate to say to those in advance, 
"You play right through, as we are in no haste." Any cos- 
tume save the very plainest is out of place on the links. 

Archery, tennis, and croquet are all very popular, and with 
the revival of these out-door sports garden-parties are again 
in favor. 

Those having ample grounds around city homes, or those 
who are fortunate in having country places, are entertaining 
more and more in the open. A large tent or tnarqueeis erected 
for serving refreshments,, and the porches of the present day 
have their own furnishings as for any other part of the house. 
Tournaments are arranged with prizes, and sometimes a plat- 
form is put up for dancing. 

It is quite customary to engage a fortune teller or a palmist 
to entertain, and for the children, when they are included in the 
invitation, there will be a donkey or pony to ride. The refresh- 
ments are cold meats, sandwiches, salads, frozen sweets, with 
plenty of cold drinkables at hand for every one, as out-door 
games always induce a decided thirst. 

On the porch, hot tea may be served with delicate wafers. 
There should be dressing-rooms for the guests to remove their 
wraps, but the hostess usually receives on the lawn, standing 
on a rug under the shade of a large tree. However, these set- 
tings must be arranged to suit the grounds. 

Afternoon garden-parties take place usually from " three 
to six," in the evening, and they are called "lawn parties" 
quite frequently; such an invitation suggests dancing and 
a gayly dressed company assembled on a greensward made 
brilliant with hundreds of Japanese lanterns containing tiny 
electric lights. 

Refreshments are sometimes served at small tables scattered 
over the grounds. In England these al fresco entertainments 
have always been popular. 

There should be plenty of camp chairs or stools, and large 
canvasses spread down are appreciated by guests who may be 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

afraid of dampness. If the place has a lake or river adjacent, 
a moonlight party is particularly delightful with the boat all 
prettily decorated with lanterns. There should be competent 
persons in every boat ; but in this day nearly all girls, as well as 
boys, are skilful with both oar and paddle. 

At all the entertainments, men wear white duck or flannel 
trousers, negligee shirts, hats of straw or soft felt, and no gloves. 
The girls wear suits of linen with dainty lingerie waists, or 
entire frocks of some thin material and canvas shoes with stock- 
ings to match the gown. 



104 



XVI.— HOW A BACHELOR ENTER- 
TAINS, AND CHAPERONS 

THE bachelor of to-day is often so from choice, and not 
because of unrequited love. With the present tenden- 
cies towards high living, and the extravagant ideas of 
many twentieth-century maidens, it takes an income of large 
proportions to keep up the establishment that many girls 
require; so bachelor quarters are greatly in demand. Here 
very smart entertainments may be given in return for hospitali- 
ties accepted. If a bachelor is also an artist, he may give an 
afternoon reception to display a newly-finished picture. Of 
course there must be a chaperon, a relative, if possible. If not 
convenient to have a sister, cousin, or aunt to fill this pleasant 
office, it should be a friend who will lend social prestige to the 
occasion. She should be consulted and her services secured 
before the invitations are sent out. A room is arranged in 
which the ladies may leave their wraps, and refreshments are 
served from the dining-room table as for any reception. 

The services of a caterer are required. At informal studio 
teas, the artist's man-servant may bring in hot water and the 
chaperon will brew and pour the tea, the young men guests 
passing the cups. A bachelor may give a dinner, having a 
chaperon who acts exactly as she would if she were hostess in 
her own home. At a theatre party, a bachelor has a chaperon, 
and the supper which follows is generally arranged for at 
a hotel. 

A bachelor with a yacht may give great pleasure by enter- 
taining on board. Here the chaperon sits in the honored seat at 
the table and helps in carrying out any plans the host may have 
for the enjoyment of his guests. Young women who receive 
invitations to bachelor functions need take no personal chaper- 
on, as the one provided by the host makes it unnecessary. 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

A chaperon is indispensable to any young girl's welfare, and 
every right-minded youth appreciates that fact. It is not that 
young people are not to be trusted, but that there are conven- 
tionalities that cannot be ignored. In the East, the standards 
of "what is what," and "who is who," are much more rigor- 
ously observed than in the West. 

A girl's mother is her rightful chaperon, but it often happens 
that a girl has no mother or that she is an invalid. A person 
to be a successful chaperon should be "wise as a serpent and as 
harmless as a dove," literally, not figuratively. She must be 
able with sheer diplomacy to steer her charges in the way they 
should go. If the young people only realized that her presence 
gave them more freedom, and more opportunities to have a 
good time without laying themselves open to unfriendly criti- 
cism, it would be a tremendous stride towards improvement 
in the manners and customs of American boys and girls. 

An American girl in Europe, if she be a student, has her 
work as a protection, and she is unmolested, holding her posi- 
tion above reproach; but socially it is altogether different, and 
a chaperon is a necessity to the girl who wishes the doors of 
the best homes on the Continent opened to her. The chaperon 
must have position and prestige, or her young charge will suffer 
accordingly. 

Young people who belong to a fraternity or a sorority 
always ask a chaperon, or perhaps five or six when they give 
their parties, and a pretty sight it makes to see the handsomely 
gowned women about the room, watching the young people 
in the merry whirl. The mother is wise who does not abandon 
her dancing days too soon, and it is very pleasant to see a young 
man dance with the mother, who may be chaperoning her 
daughter, before he dances with the young woman. It is only 
in rural districts that boys and girls "keep company" and go 
on long jaunts alone. It is not sanctioned by any book of 
etiquette. 

A man has much latitude in this country, as he may take a 
young woman to the theatre, and to church, go on walks, and 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

take her out in his automobile for a spin in the park. In fact, 
the automobile is responsible for many of the things that are 
deemed permissible, but nevertheless for long jaunts there is 
always a chaperon, and in very few instances have the conven- 
tionalities of society been overlooked. 

It goes without saying that a chaperon should bear a spot- 
less reputation and have an assured social position. The 
very best friend a shy girl can have is a clever, sympathetic 
woman who, as her chaperon, undertakes to pilot her through 
the mazes of a first year in the great whirlpool we are pleased 
to call " society." 



107 



XVII.— WEEK-END PARTIES 

OFFERING the hospitality of one's home for the week- 
end is a popular method of entertaining, especially if 
the home is in the country. Invitations to house par- 
ties should always state explicitly the length of time a guest is 
expected to remain. A time-table of the local trains should be 
enclosed, with any other necessary information that may aid 
the guest in perfecting plans for the trip. 

If there are to be other guests, and any special mode 
of entertainment, such facts should be made plain in the 
invitation, that visitors may arrive properly equipped as to 
clothes, etc. 

In replying to such invitations, guests must clearly state on 
what train or boat they will arrive, so that the hostess may meet 
them or send the servant, which is perfectly permissible. 

From Friday night or Saturday until Monday is the 
allotted time for most guests at a house party ; hence the name 
"week-end." 

Discretion is necessary in making up a house party to be 
sure that only congenial people are invited. It is the duty of 
each one to be as agreeable as possible, sinking all personal 
preferences in respect to the wishes of the hostess. It is well 
to play all card games, to golf, ride, play, and dance, and to 
cultivate any special stunt, that one may add a share to the 
entertainment. A hostess always appreciates a clever guest. 

A secret of success in week-end parties is to in a measure 
leave visitors free to enjoy the time in their own sweet way, 
especially during the day. For the evening, there may be some 
special entertainment planned, but in the mornings the men 
like to golf, boat, play tennis, or take long tramps, and the girls 
may join them, or sit on the piazza with fancy work or maga- 
zines, from which short stories may be read aloud. 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

At dinner every one should appear at his very best. A 
thoughtful hostess will see that a guest-chamber is provided 
with pen, paper, ink, and stamps, or post cards of the place, 
also with a daintily fitted work-basket. A candle-stand at the 
head of the bed is another convenience much appreciated by a 
nervous person who may want to look at her watch, and yet 
not wish to turn on the light. 

It is absolutely necessary for a guest to write a letter to her 
hostess the next day after she returns home, and express in a 
few graceful words her thanks for the pleasure experienced and 
assure her of her safe arrival. These are called " bread and 
butter" letters, and it shows a decided lack of good breeding 
to neglect sending them back at once. It is customary to 
give the servants a tip when one remains several days under a 
friend's roof. The sum cannot be stated, but common-sense 
will settle the question. If any special service has been rendered, 
or if one has been ill, thereby necessitating extra service, the tip 
would be larger. 

If one can do so without ostentation, it is a pretty courtesy 
to a hostess to send her some little souvenir of your visit, a new 
book, a deck of cards in a handsome case, a bit of handwork 
if you embroider, some new music you know will be acceptable, 
etc. This should not be done unless the right opportunity 
offers. A man may send his hostess a box of flowers, or a box 
of choice confections. 



109 



XVIII.— CORRESPONDENCE AND 
STATIONERY 

WRITING graceful notes is an art to be studiously cul- 
tivated by both men and women. In England, a 
woman of social prominence rarely depends upon 
a private secretary, and is noted for her letters, which are sure 
to be correct in every detail. 

The first thing to consider is proper stationery. Unruled 
white and cream paper, of a good quality, is always a safe selec- 
tion, although gray and a grayish blue are used. Envelopes 
must match in size and color. A monogram is permissible, 
also the number and street, and for country houses stationery 
marked with the name of the place is in favor. Men have 
their name and address on stationery for their private corres- 
pondence or sometimes they use their club stationery, if they 
are bachelors and make their home there. 

Persons who are in mourning use black-bordered paper and 
envelopes, the width to be determined by the depth of their 
mourning. It is three-eighths of an inch for the deepest mourn- 
ing, and one-half that if for a child or distant relative. 

Ruled paper is never used, nor is scented stationery in good 
form. Post-cards have practically banished letter-writing in 
this busy day and age. It is so easy to buy a souvenir card and 
post with the mere signing of one's initials to assure fond friends 
and family of one's welfare when journeying at home or abroad. 
It is a bad habit, but one of great convenience nevertheless. 

As a means of personal correspondence, the ordinary gov- 
ernment post-card should not be used save as a means of the 
briefest business communications, to which initials alone are 
signed. Black ink of the best quality should be used and a 
stub pen is most in favor. The old day of fine lines, shaded 
capitals, and pink stationery has gone, let us hope forever. 

no 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

In a social letter, the date should be written out in full, as, 
"The third of May," or "May the third." 

It is the custom to write a letter across the front page, then 
lengthwise across the second and third pages, thence down the 
fourth page. 

A very ceremonious note begins with " My dear," instead 
" Dear — ." In writing a formal letter, the full name is signed 
as "Mary Jones Emerson." No pet names are permissible 
when addressing an envelope, as " Miss Mag Hall," it must be 
" Miss Margaret Hall." A letter to a man should be addressed 
" George Whitacre, Esq." in preference to "Mr. George Whit- 
acre." A son who bears his fathers name should have the 
"Jr." after, as "Joseph Fuller, Jr." 

Never address a woman verbally or on paper by her hus- 
band's title as " Mrs. Dr. Fenn " ; she is Mrs. James Fenn. 

Some years ago, it was customary to say "No." before the 
numerals of a street address, now it is simply 6538 Huron Street 
or Avenue, with no abbreviations for either street or avenue. 

The word " Addressed" is now omitted from any missive 
sent by personal messenger, and it is correct to write " In care 
of," instead of the character %, once employed. 

"If not delivered, return to—" may be written on the 
back of an envelope, or the home address may be engraved 
on envelopes. 

In writing a business letter, begin with "Dear Sir," or, if a 
firm, "Dear Sirs," or "Gentlemen"; and when ending such 
a letter sign yourself: "Yours truly." A business letter to a 
woman should begin "Dear Madam," or "Madam," regard- 
less of whether she be married or single. 

In replying to a friendly letter, be sure to see that you really 
do answer it by noticing any questions and fulfilling any favors 
asked. 

The word "Yours" should be added to the finishing clause 
of a letter as "Yours cordially," or "Sincerely yours," not 
" Sincerely " or " Cordially," or simply " Yours "; the latter is 
really discourteous. 

in 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

A woman in writing to a stranger may sign herself, " Frances 
A. Deane," and put "Miss" in parenthesis before the word 
" Frances " if she is unmarried. If she is married she puts in 
parenthesis "Mrs. George Deane. " It is very bad form to 
sign the name "Mrs. F. A. Deane. " 

The date should follow the signature in a social note in 
he lower left hand corner; in a business letter it should be at 
he head. A note should be carefully punctuated and care- 
fully spelled, as a note to a stranger indicates at once a 
person's breeding; in fact, a well-written letter is a passport 
or, better still, an unquestioned mark as to one's social caste. 

It is often a question how letters to public officials should 
be addressed. The following examples are quoted from a well- 
known authority on social usages : 

A letter to the President of the United States commences, 
"Sir," and concludes, "I have the honor to remain your 
obedient servant." 

A social letter from an acquaintance would commence, 
"My dear Mr. President," and conclude "Remaining most 
respectfully (or sincerely) yours." The envelope would be 
addressed, "President William H. Taft." 

The Vice-President would be addressed the same as the 
President if an official communication, and as " My dear Mr. 
Sherman," if a social letter. The conclusions would be the 
same as for the President, and the inscription on the envelope, 
"To the Vice-President, James Sherman." 

An official letter to a Justice begins the same as to a Vice- 
President, " Sir," or " Dear Sir" ; a social letter begins, " Dear 
Mr. Justice Brown," and the inscription on the envelope is, 
"Mr. Justice John F. Brown." 

A Senator has "Sir," or "Dear Sir," for an official letter, 
and "My dear Senator Ferry," for a social one; the envelope 
inscription being " To the Hon. Thomas W. Ferry," or " Sena- 
tor Thomas W. Ferry." 

A member of the House of Representatives is addressed 
on the envelope as " The Hon. William P. Savage," and a social 



"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

letter commences "My dear Mr. Savage," with "Dear Sir" 
for an official communication. 

The same rule holds for a member of the Cabinet, only the 
special office is mentioned on the envelope as "The Hon. 
William F. Chase, Secretary of State." 

A Governor of a State is addressed as "Dear Governor 
Deneen," if a social letter, and as " Sir," if official. The en- 
velope should be addressed, " Governor Charles S. Deneen." 

A Mayor's official communication is "Sir," or "Your 
Honor," and a friendly letter commences " My dear Mayor 
Busse," or " Dear Mr. Busse." The envelope bears this in- 
scription, " His Honor the Mayor of Chicago, Fred. M. Busse." 

To a bishop, either an official or a social letter commences, 
"Right Reverend and Dear Sir," concluding with " I have the 
honor to remain your obedient servant." The inscription on 
the envelope is, "To the Right Reverend Charles P. Anderson, 
Bishop of Chicago." A social letter may also with perfect 
propriety commence, "Dear Bishop Anderson." 

A priest is addressed socially as " Dear Father Merriman," 
or "Dear Doctor Blunt," and the envelope is inscribed, "The 
Reverend Earl H. Merriman," with D. D. added if he is a 
Doctor of Divinity. 



"3 



XIX.— TRAVELLING ETIQUETTE 

THE wanderlust is strongly developed in most of us, and 
travelling is made so easy that there has come into 
existence a code which is accepted by tourists as just 
and fair. 

Selfishness, if it is innate in a person's make-up, is sure to 
be in evidence in travelling, and every endeavor should be 
made to combat this tendency. A man must allow a woman 
to precede him into a train, and be content with what reserva- 
tions may be left if he has not been provident in engaging 
quarters in advance. 

To spread one's belongings out over every available inch 
of space is a mark of the inexperienced traveller. Hand bag- 
gage should be stowed away as compactly as possible, and the 
half of the seat not occupied be left free if the car is crowded. 
Persons of refinement carry their own toilet articles, including 
hair-brush, comb, tooth-brush, and soap. A sleeping-car 
gown of silk is best, as it takes less room ; and women who 
wish to protect their hats have bags of silk, with a draw-string 
at the top, by which to hang them up. 

Windows should not be opened without the permission of a 
fellow traveller on whom the draft would blow direct. 

Composure is the mark of a good traveller and is a habit 
to be acquired by careful cultivation. Nervousness does not 
add to the comfort of any one. If unavoidable delays come, 
simply make the best of it. Avoid asking unnecessary ques- 
tions; a time table will generally afford all needed information. 

It is ill-bred to talk very loud or about one's personal 
affairs to fellow travellers, although it is perfectly permissible 
to talk with persons who are to be companions on a long jour- 
ney and to accept favors that may tend to make the journey 
more pleasant. 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

A man who may have been of service to a woman on board 
a train or boat need not expect her to recognize him afterwards 
unless he has proven his identity, or they have mutual friends, 
and the acquaintance proves desirable. Some very charming 
people are met en route, and life-long friendships established. 
As a rule, a woman must maintain a certain dignity and reserve, 
especially when unchaperoned. 

A woman should always pay for her own meals on a dining 
car, unless the trip is a short one and her compagnon de voyage, 
happens to be a man who is a friend of the family. If he ask 
her to dinner or luncheon with him, it is perfectly proper to 
accept. 

A porter should receive a tip at the journey's end, large or 
small, according to the length of the trip, and the service ren- 
dered. When going to a large hotel alone in a city, it is best to 
wire ahead for accommodations, as it is the rule in some hotels 
not to receive unannounced a woman whom they do not know. 

Two women together, with baggage, seldom have any 
trouble in being accommodated without previous notifi- 
cation if there is room, and there usually is if there is nothing 
special to draw a crowd to the city. In that case rooms 
should be reserved weeks in advance. 

A woman registers her name as it appears upon her vis- 
iting card, adding the name of the town and state where she 
resides. 

On ocean liners introductions are not necessary to one's 
companions at table. A person should say, " Good morning/' 
and enter into conversation with persons on the right, left, and 
across the table. 

Every one is expected to attend the concert given on most 
ships for charity, and it is polite to attend the religious service 
that is provided on English and American steamers; but this 
is an individual matter. 

In leaving the ship, it is polite to bid farewell to the Captain 
and any officers with whom one has had more than formal 
meetings, and to say good-bye to passengers with whom one has 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

become friendly. Cards may be exchanged, and often prove 
reminders of happy hours spent on shipboard. 

There is much tipping to be done aboard a ship. Two 
dollars all round is a tariff fixed for persons of average means, 
and this is increased to individual servants from whom extra 
service has been demanded. On arriving on the other side, 
if one is invited to dine at an English house, there must be a 
careful toilet made for this ceremonious meal. Full dress for 
a man is absolutely essential, and an evening gown for a 
woman. The English may serve somewhat plainer dinners 
than Americans, but they never eat them in plain clothes. 

Iced drinks are not offered in England and no one says 
"sherry wine," or "port wine," but "sherry," or "port." 

In France, however, it isproper to say, "vin de Champagne" 
or "vin de Bordeaux" Etiquette differs in all countries, so the 
best a traveller can do is to observe closely and exercise com- 
mon sense. 

A Frenchman always takes off his hat on entering or leaving 
a railway coach if there are ladies in it, but an Englishman 
never raises his hat unless the Queen or a Princess passes, or 
he meets an acquaintance. He remains covered in all public 
places, but in his own home he is the politest and kindest of 
hosts. 

A letter of introduction into an English family reveals 
them as very charming ; without this open sesame they appear 
rude and snobbish. The English are most punctilious in 
observing all the niceties of society. They call at once after 
a party, and immediately after receiving a letter of introduction. 
In the art of letter writing they are experts, and place great stress 
on a well- written epistle. 



116 



XX — FUNERALS AND MOURNING 

"TTTOW should a funeral be conducted ?" was a question 
| asked of the writer of these pages not long ago; and 
the answer was, "Consult an undertaker." It seems 
out of place to have a chapter on this subject, but as there is 
an etiquette for this occasion which is sure to come into the 
life of every one, sooner or later, we must be prepared to say 
what shall or what shall not be done. 

As soon as a death takes place, the fact should immediately 
be made known to the best undertaker the town affords. This 
message may be sent by telephone or messenger. The shades 
are drawn, and a servant or intimate friend authorized to 
answer the bell and receive all messages. No member of the 
family is expected to see visitors, and none but the men of the 
household go outside the door unless circumstances make it 
needful. The undertaker immediately consults the person 
delegated by the family to take charge of things, as to what 
they wish upon the door. The scarfs of flowers, or palm leaves 
tied with ribbon or chiffon, are much more used than the crape 
streamers. 

Death notices should be put in the newspapers, arrange- 
ments made at the cemetery and with the clergyman, and 
notes sent to the ones who are desired to act as pall-bearers. 
Sometimes the undertaker provides the actual bearers, and those 
asked are honorary, walking immediately after the casket. 
Intimate family friends or close business associates are asked 
to fill this office. 

While no charge is exacted by clergymen for their ser- 
vices at either a house or church funeral, if circumstances per- 
mit it is well to send a fee. A carriage is always placed at his 
disposal to convey him from his house and back again. 

A fee is necessary to the sexton if the service is held at the 

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church, also to the organist and singers. Pall-bearers have 
carriages sent for them, and there must be conveyances for 
all whom the family wish to accompany them to the cemetery. 
It is quite customary to say, " Burial private" in the news- 
paper notices. "No flowers" is also admissible if the family 
wish to prevent the floral offerings; this is a matter of 
individual preference. 

The clergyman is instructed as to what the family de- 
sire as to hymns or remarks. It is in much better taste to 
dispense with the latter and adhere strictly to the burial 
service. 

In case notes must be sent out by any members of the family, 
black-bordered stationery should be used. 

In seating persons at a church funeral, the pall-bearers 
occupy the first pews at the left of the centre aisle ; the family 
and near relatives sit in the first pews on the right. 

After a funeral, the sad home-coming must be gone through, 
and the house should be found divested of every outward 
symbol of mourning. The flowers not taken to the grave 
should be sent to some hospital, the rooms arranged in the usual 
way, and the shades raised. 

At a home funeral, it is best to have some intimate friend of 
the family receive people. If the members of the family appear, 
they are dressed with hats and veils ready to enter their car- 
riage at once after the service. When they wish, they may 
listen to the service unobserved from an upstairs or adjoining 
room. If there are singers, they should be unseen and rather 
remote, so that the sound comes softened, and the voices are 
unaccompanied. 

The question of mourning is much discussed, and as with 
most questions there are two sides. 

Custom has decreed that when a loved one passes on, we 
immediately swathe ourselves in deepest black as a mark of 
respect, and as an outward sign that we are suffering. 

It is doubtless true that black garments and a heavy veil 
are a protection from the gay frivolity of the passing stranger; 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

that one can go out on errands of business and necessity fear- 
less that any chance remark or untimely question will hurt 
one's feelings. 

Happily, though, the day for donning the heaviest of crape, 
and the longest of veils is past, and now even a widow's 
mourning attire is reasonable in its construction. If one is in 
mourning, however, it is necessary to conform to its require- 
ments. No one wearing a crape veil should appear at a recep- 
tion or theatre, although concerts are permissible. 

In England the period of deep mourning has been shortened 
to six months, with second mourning for six months, so that a 
year covers the time prescribed by the strictest etiquette. 

Black furs and seal-skins are worn in deep mourning. A 
widow usually has a ruche of white just inside her bonnet; 
but fashions change in mourning, so no rules may be laid down 
with the assurance that they will hold good next year. 

Black-bordered stationery is used as long as a person is in 
mourning, and black-bordered handkerchiefs are proper as 
well as those of narrow bordered sheer linen. For relatives- 
in-law it is not necessary to put on mourning, but this is a 
question for individual decision. In the South it used to be the 
custom to put on black for the remotest relation. 

A widower may put on mourning by wearing a complete 
suit of black, white linen, dull-black silk neckties, dull-black 
leather shoes, black gloves, and a ribbon of broader width on 
his hat. A correct haberdasher will see to the mourning 
band. It is the worst possible form to sew a mourning band 
upon the coat sleeve. It came originally from sewing such 
insignia upon the sleeves of liveried servants, when they were 
not dressed in entire mourning liveries. It is a cheap way of 
mourning, and shows no distinction, being the same for a wife, 
or a distant relative. 

Men are not so careful in the mourning observances as 
women, and may after two or three months of seclusion appear at 
the club, the theatre, at small dinners, and call upon intimate 
friends. No man with a mourning band on his hat should 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

attend balls, or theatre parties and sit in a box, or go to large 
and fashionable functions. 

Six months after the death of a husband or near relative, 
a woman may return informally the calls received after her 
bereavement. Children should not wear mourning unless 
they are at least sixteen years old, and then it should soon be 
lightened. The old custom of closing the piano and keeping 
the curtains lowered for months after a death has entirely 
passed out, let us hope never to return. 

Friends who are asked to go to the cemetery are returned 
to their own homes in the carriages provided. It is quite out 
of fashion to show the remains; it certainly is a relic of bar- 
barism slow in disappearing. 

In case of some great man in public service, provision is 
sometimes made to have the body lie in state : but in private 
life none but relatives or most intimate friends should ask for 
this privilege. If the family wish their loved one seen they 
make it known through the person in charge, who in every 
thing carries out their wishes. Punctuality must be urged 
upon one taking part in a funeral service, and hours must be 
clearly stated, so that no delays or mistakes will be possible. 

To every one who calls, sends flowers, or in any way does 
a favor, a card of grateful thanks must be sent within ten days 
after the funeral. 



1 20 



XXL— GENERAL HINTS ON 
ETIQUETTE 

IN all public places such as a church, theatre, or assembly 
hall, a woman precedes her escort in following the usher 
down the aisle, and takes the inside seat. 

If at a church where the family have a pew, and the usher 
does not precede them, the head of the family enters first, fol- 
lowed by his wife or daughter, and stands at the pew allowing 
them to pass in, when he takes his place in the end of the seat. 
Whispering or talking aloud in a church or at a concert is 
exceedingly ill-bred. Silence is enjoined in many churches 
by a placard at the entrance ; this is especially true of Roman 
Catholic and Episcopal churches, which are most strict in this 
respect. Whether one is a communkant or not, if a service 
at church is attended one should be respectful and attentive, 
following as closely as possible the customs observed. 

A man does not take a woman's arm on the street unless to 
assist her over a crowded crossing, or through some dangerous 
place. A woman does not take a man's arm unless at night, 
and then he politely says, " Won't you take my arm." A 
man does not walk between two women; his place is on the 
left always. 

A man must lift his hat when he is with a woman who speaks 
to a person, whether a stranger or friend. He also touches his 
hat in acknowledgment of a man's kindness to a woman he is 
with. For instance, if a man gives the woman his seat on a car, 
her escort immediately touches his hat. 

Servants must be treated with respect and not ordered to do 
"thus and so," in a peremptory tone ; it is polite to say "Please," 
and "Thank you," to those who happen to be in one's employ. 

Borrowed umbrellas or books should be returned at the 

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"Dame Curtsey's" Book of Etiquette 

earliest possible moment. Forgetfulness in little things is not 
a mark of good breeding. 

Punctuality in all appointments is a sure sign of knowing 
what is what, and goes far toward covering a multitude of other 
sins we may commit. 

The question frequently comes to me, from some young 
woman, " May I ask a man to go to the theatre with me or to 
some public affair to which I happen to have tickets ?" I have 
said, "Yes," if some splendid entertainment would be missed 
for lack of an escort, in which case, I would certainly invite 
some old friend to go with me. I would not, however, make a 
practice of buying tickets and asking some one to escort me. 
With this question, as with many others, circumstances alter 
cases, and what would be proper at one time would be decid- 
edly improper at another. 

A woman precedes a man up the stairs, and follows him 
down ; he precedes her through a crowd, making a way for her 
to pass. 

Chewing gum in public, is decidedly bad form. It is a sin 
of commission for which Americans are sadly criticised, and it 
is impossible for foreigners to realize that the better class do not 
err in this respect. 

In dress, and hats, it is well to choose severely plain styles 
of the best materials one can afford. Cheap jewelry and laces 
are never the mark of a well-dresssed woman. 

In alighting from a street car or train, a man precedes a 
woman, that he may assist her and take care of her packages. 

Finger nails should never be manicured in public. The 
privacy of one's room is the only place to perform this duty or 
to use the tooth-pick. Any other practice is exceedingly 
vulgar. 



10 »8 






/COPY. DEL. TO CAT, 0!V, 

NOV II ( 1909 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



I 

022 208 169 5 




